I Like My Body

I like Herodotus. I started reading The Histories a few days ago and I find it pretty entertaining. I know it's the first history book ever, but it honestly seems a little like ancient Greek gossip. Plus I'm pretty sure Herodotus has a bowl fetish.

Tomorrow I am excited to go to physical therapy... times two! Woohoo! I am continuing physical therapy for my back pain and starting physical therapy on my pelvic floor muscles. I am starting the latter for a personal problem... And to be honest, I'd tell you all about it but you'll probably think "Whoa, baby. TMI!" As a little hint, pelvic floor physical therapy is helpful for things like urinary incontinence, fecal incontinence, pelvic pain, and dyspareunia. You know. Private stuff. (Actually, it's kind of fun to keep my readers in suspence! Heehee!) And let's face it, you'd be excited to get rid of those problems too! Woohoo!!!!!!!! Exclamation point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Along a similar vein, last night I was kind of upset (again) because my healthcare has gotten so complicated even though I'm only 22 years old. And it's stressful. In fact, too stressful. So with this in mind, lots of people have been wondering when James and I will be having kids. ... ... I am way too stressed to add pregnancy to the list of stuff going on inside my body. It's probably not a good idea while my treatment plans are in flux right now anyway... especially the thyroid thing. Sigh. Oh, thyroid.

Science time!



I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Basically, here's the dealio. My body is making antithyroid peroxidase antibodies. (Thyroid peroxidase is a thyroid enzyme.) This means that my thyroid is being attacked by my own immune system. So, while there's a ton of the antibody in my system, the antibody gnaws at my thyroid and thus my thyroid doesn't do its job as well. So I go hypothyroid, which means every cell in my body isn't getting the thyroid hormone. So I start feeling sluggish, slow, cold, constipated, gaining weight, etc. Also bad for babies.

Here's where it gets complicated. Sometimes the antibodies eat into a hidden cache of thyroid hormone and release into my body... Now I'm getting way too much thyroid hormone. Bam! Now I feel wired. Anxious. Lots of hot flashes and night sweats. Diarrhea! Heart palpitations! Not so good for developing fetuses.

So here I was a few days ago ranting about being hypothyroid. And then all of a sudden I'm hyperthyroid. If that isn't frustrating, I don't know what is. My labs tests confirmed hyperthyroidism as well as an astonishing antibody level of 1240 U/mL (normal is 60 U/mL). I've decided to have Dr. Austin manage my thyroid care (he's the doctor I work with). I trust him and I know he actually knows about Hashimoto's rather than just your run of the mill hypothyroidism.

Anyway, I hate to be bitter about medicine in general, because really I find the whole field interesting and fun! Human bodies are so cool! And let's be honest. My body is largely functioning well, and I sleep like a baby every night. I can even go to work as much as I need to. And I'm pretty darn good looking. Life is good!

I Like Elder Holland

This talk from the Priesthood session was intense. James and I watched it for FHE.

I went to the doctor today, and I came home kind of frustrated. (This isn't a very happy note.) I got two referrals... one to a psychiatrist and one to an endocrinologist. Ugh. I wanted to see the doctor and be done, not to have to schedule three more appointments. :(

I wasn't expecting the referral to a psychiatrist because I feel pretty stable. Sure, I'm sad and I cry for no reason all the time, but that's okay. I feel pretty well adjusted considering my extensive family history of depression and anxiety and all sorts of other fun stuff. And the last person I saw in psychiatry was not very good at her job. Insert dismay here.

However, precisely because I had so much of a family history of mental illness, my doctor thought it would be better to see a specialist who knows more about the pathophysiology of depression and about the newer medicines. Ga'augh, fine. She figured that we might be "barking up the wrong tree". So okay, whatever.

I saw a nurse practitioner in psychiatry four years ago, and she was awful... at least for me. She told me to take 1/4 pill (for sleep, I think) for two days, then 1/2 pill for another two days and work up to a full pill. So here's what I did:

Day 1: 1/4 pill. 3/4 pill pieces left.
Day 2: 1/4 pill. 1/2 pill piece left.
Day 3: 1/2 pill.
Day 4: 1/2 pill. 1/2 pill piece left.
Day 5: 3/4 pill. 3/4 pill pieces left.
Day 6: 3/4 pill.
Day 7: Whole pill! And no pieces of pills remaining! Tada!

Well, it turned out that this NP thought this was HILARIOUS. Apparently, I was supposed to take 1/4 pill for two days, 1/2 pill for another two days, and then start onto a full pill. I had considered this, but this was an exponential curve rather than a linear one... and besides, it left me half a pill left over.

But no. This woman decided that taking 3/4 pill for two days was pathological and indicated that I didn't want to be like my mom. I told her that I thought I had been following her directions to work up to a full pill gradually, and that this had nothing to do with my mother. She would hear no reason, and insisted that I was in denial. I stopped seeing her.

So... I hope this time will go a little better, but it gave me a bad taste in my mouth for people practicing medicine in psychiatry.

On the endocrinology note, I got frustrated because I got the impression that this doctor thought I was using my thyroid medicine as a diet pill because I was changing the dose on my own. (People who have too much thyroid hormone lose weight. However, it's the worst diet pill EVER because it also gives you hot flashes, diarrhea, anxiety, heart palpitations, and insomnia.) She insisted that I shouldn't take more thyroid hormone without lab work proving I'm hypothyroid.

I just have to wonder if she's ever BEEN hypothyroid. It sucks. I also have to wonder if she's ever been HYPERthyroid. If she had, I'm pretty sure she could not imagine taking too much thyroid hormone on purpose. Who wants hot flashes, diarrhea, anxiety, heart palpitations, and insomnia? Right. Like I would EVER do that to myself on purpose. (I do realize some people ARE crazy enough to do that, but they are in the minority. Hyperthyroidism is one of the WORST feelings in the world.)

Ugh. So anyway, this was not a happy, fluffy post, but I'm a little frustrated because I'm getting more and more distrustful of my health care providers. Sure, it's great fun to learn about diseases and treatments and stuff, but it sure makes seeing doctors less fun.

So for happy, fluffy things? I lurve my husband very much so. He is wonderful. :) See? Isn't he good looking? ;)

I Like Dancing

On Friday night we went dancing for the first time since May or so. It was glorious! I could definitely tell that physical therapy helped strengthen my core muscles. Finally, I understand what they were talking about when they said that would help. Woohoo! On the other hand, I'm now supposed to put a lift in my left shoe so that I'm not off balance.

Before when I'd go dancing, one side of my body started to hurt. The lift stopped that. On the other hand, you have to remember that I learned all these moves while completely unbalanced. So this new balance thing? Whoa. I kept falling out of my spins. Lol.

I finished Anna Karenina the other day. At the end of it, Anna was definitely paranoid schizophrenia. Anyway, it was great! It included: marriage, love affair, birth, death of old age, attempted suicide, successful suicide, the ranting of a schizophrenic, and more! Gotta love Russian novels. I recommend it if you don't mind taking a month to read an 800 page book.

I also read Animal Farm in its entirety yesterday. So sad! I definitely didn't like that Boxer, Napoleon's biggest fan and hardest worker, got sent away to be turned into glue. It makes me wonder if seemingly admirable maxims like "I must work harder" are all that great. Working hard is fine and dandy, I suppose... but be careful in taking anything to extremes!


James is begging for the computer right now, because he wants to do a math problem for fun. Sheesh!

I Like Beautiful Biceps

In particular, I like James' beautiful biceps. Now that the semester has started up again, he gets to start rock climbing again, and he will get fantabulously muscley. :) I'm excited.

I am also excited to start dancing on Fridays again. Unfortunately, for the two of us to attend the ballroom dance club at UO, it will cost $10. Ugh. We would probably go more often if it was free, but alas, it is not. I am kind of sad that ballroom isn't as popular here as it is in Utah. Drat. It seems we'll never get enough practice to get as talented as these two:



On an unrelated note, I was super excited for a while last night because I thought I had finally come up with something to help my chronic fatigue. I realized that if I have a caffeinated soda in the mornings I actually perk up... and by perk up, I mean I feel normal rather than hyper. And I work better and faster when I do that. So I started fantasizing about taking a caffeine pill every morning with my thyroid medication and suddenly being cured. It was a glorious fantasy... I only slept eight hours each night, and that was enough. I didn't run out to my car during my lunch break for a nap. And when I was a awake, I was alert and able to concentrate. Oh, how glorious were these fantasies!

Unfortunately, James pointed out to me that if I took a caffeine pill every day, the effects would eventually wear off and I would actually be more fatigued than when I started. And then I was sad. Fantasies of normalcy wasted away. Oh well.



On the plus side, I have a doctor's appointment next Monday and I'm excited to discuss other options for not being so tired. I feel like I've ruled out a lot of things... I'm not vitamin D deficient or anemic. And even when I'm getting enough thyroid hormone, I'm still tired. And the list goes on! I am hopeful that there is something that will help me get energized... somehow.

I Like "I Love You"

I've been writing my blog posts late at night, and thus the quality has gone down. It's been harder to think of things to say besides "Today was good. Today was bad. Today was boring. Today was long. Today was short. Etc." So maybe I should try to write more of these during the day when I'm actually awake.

Last night we had FHE based on President Uchtdorf's talk from the RS broadcast which I mentioned a little over a week ago based on forget-me-not flowers. I've been thinking a lot about this talk and I decided to share it with James... because, like most of our husbands, he was not present of the RS broadcast.

I've been wondering--do I REALLY know that God loves me. I think I've got a pretty solid testimony, but I keep getting reminders. Every time I get a priesthood blessing, the open lines say something along the lines of, "God loves you and is aware of you." And I think, heck, I know that. Why does God keep telling me this?

I can think of two reasons--the first is for the same reason I tell James fifty times a day that I love him. Of course James knows this, but I tell him anyway, just to make sure he doesn't forget. The second reason that I can think of is that I don't actually know this (even though I think I do) and He keeps telling me because He's trying to make me "get it".

For now, my conclusion is both. At some level, I do know He loves me, but I think I don't quite understand to the full extent. I think President Uchtdorf is trying super hard to explain it here:

"Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!

He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom. The Psalmist wrote:

'When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;

'What is man, that thou art mindful of him? …

'For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.'

God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.

The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow."

--President Uchtdorf, 9/24/2011

I know all these things intellectually, but REALLY? No. I don't know if I do. Sometimes when I ask for help, I get the response, "Jenna, I love you," as if this is the answer to all my problems. I'm beginning to wonder if it is.

I Like Sleeping

I went to bed last night around 5pm and then I woke up this morning around 11am. Hence no blog post last night. I like being asleep. I don't like waking up and realizing how much time has passed. Gugh.

Anyway, conference was great! I really liked Elder Scott's talk. And pretty much all of President Monson's jokes.

James is incredibly hotttt. And yes, every single t in that hotttt was necessary.

This morning when I took my shower I was quite pleased to notice that my asymmetric qualities are evening out! Woo! In other words, my shoulders and hips aren't uneven due to scoliosis. See pic below and notice how one shoulder is higher than the other. Also notice how one hip is higher than the other. Today I noticed that I am getting more symmetric. I attribute this to physical therapy. Ee yay!

I Like General Conference

I like "going to church" in pajamas. I like cuddling on the couch with my super hot husband while listening to prophets and apostles. Wooee! :)

It was super exciting when President Monson announced that they're converting the Provo tabernacle into a temple. I cried when it was almost completely destroyed in a fire last year, so it's nice to know it will be reborn. I imagine we'll all be like that. Living long terrestrial lives, dying (perhaps not as dramatically), and being reborn with new, improved celestial bodies.



Many of you have heard this story, and I think it's a neat coincidence. Jesus is unharmed! Heehee!



Anyway, that was super exciting for me. I am even a little glad that the Provo tabernacle burned down!

I made a wreath today out of things I bought at the dollar store, and it is very pretty. I am super proud of myself. Unfortunately, I was a little distracted because (ALERT: TMI AHEAD) my period gives me gastrointestinal discomfort. And it's been bad today. Sigh.

In other news, we got some protein powder today. I've been hypoglycemic lately because I haven't been eating much protein. In fact, I don't like most sources of protein. Peanut butter is one the nastiest things on the planet. Nuts are okay, but I can only eat a few before I don't want any more. Eggs and I could be better friends; we don't get along too well. And although meat is tasty, I really don't want to eat more than I do. I could go on.

Anyway, I could get more protein in my diet if I cooked more, but I'm not cooking much while I'm working 10 hour days. Heh. So, James and I discussed it and decided that since we're so busy and because I'm so severely hypoglycemic (shaky and fainty and craving sugary things all the time...), it's worth it to try an experiment. And the most convenient way will be to just add some protein powder to my oatmeal in the morning. (Or eat protein bars, but those are more expensive...)

Anyway, TTFN :)