My dear, dear fanatic. I apologize. But it's not really my fault, you see. It's all the online LDS distribution center's fault. No journals in stock. So I resorted to an online journal instead. And now I can type, just like I'm blogging, every single day! And I do. I type up nearly a thousand words every night. I can hardly stop myself. A side effect of switching to online journaling is a markedly decreased motivation to blog. Or even post Facebook status updates.
This is very bad news for you, I know. And I was being super thoughtful and kind tonight, and I imagined your predicament. I came to the conclusion that providing you with a few excerpts from my online journal over the last little while wouldn't hurt anything. Be warned... I may not post anything after this for a while. Most likely the next entry will be about Dragon's birth!
2 Sep 2014
I've been agonizing over what to name our son. What to name him, what to name him...? Now, see, I tend to like more traditional boy names, if I like them at all. David. James. Benjamin. Joseph. Henry. But, for whatever reason, I cannot actually imagine naming this particular child any of the more traditional names. And I absolutely despise most other names, so... dilemma.5 Sep 2014
The name that I am most tempted to name him is Dragon James Dilts. Seriously. This is precisely the sort of name that even a year ago I would have had difficulty keeping my face straight and my voice level had I actually run into a parent who revealed that they had just named their son this name. But it feels increasingly... comfortable.
We've been calling him Dragon for about half of the pregnancy. I was wearing a shirt with a fire-breathing dinosaur-type creature on it one day, when I asked Amelia what we should name her baby brother. She pointed to the creature on my shirt, so we laughed and said, "Oh, we should name him Dragon, should we?" My reaction was simply that under no circumstances would I ever write the name Dragon on a birth certificate. Ever.
But it just feels increasingly right, and everything else just feels increasingly wrong. I have stated that we will name him James Griffin Dilts, and somehow that... doesn't fit? I haven't any idea why. That seems like a perfectly good name, yes?
At this point in time, I confess that Dragon James Dilts bothers me primarily because other people do not unanimously approve. Oh, it seems the entire Dilts family approves. My mother, I believe, thinks it is a little strange, but is open to it. My dad... he hasn't said so, but I have this feeling he thinks naming a baby Dragon would be a horrid mistake. And I seriously worry what my extended family will think[, ...but t]hey are polite enough to not vocalize any disapproval they may have... so far, anyway. [My friend] told me [my old employer] gave significant pause upon learning what we planned to name the baby. Perhaps it was simply because it was just unexpected. After all, I don't think I seem the type to name a baby something unusual.
Anyway, as for the events of the day...
This morning I had my appointment with the midwives. James wasn't planning to go to campus today at all, so I left Amelia at home. Unfortunately, she woke up right when I left anyway. Blegh. The appointment went normally. I saw Chris. She is nice. She thinks Dragon isn't terribly big, maybe about the same size Amelia was. I'm measuring right, he's moving a ton, he's head down, and his heart rate is great. Not much to report.
Came home. James took Amelia out on a very long walk/adventure. I spent the time getting some last-minute me time reading stuff on the Internet. Then I drove James to the airport. Uneventful drive... Amelia was giggling at James the whole time we drove over there. She cried when he left, and then fell asleep on the way home.
Only then once we arrived back home, she didn't stay asleep through the car-to-bed transfer. Augh, this is so frustrating! This means her nap lasted a grand total of... oh, I don't know, twenty minutes? That's not even a full sleep cycle. It was very... sigh. Almost heart-breaking. As I mentioned, the attempt to hold her in bed until she fell asleep was very bad for my nausea.
Food prep has been practically impossible throughout pregnancy. Preparing food is pretty much a surefire way to trigger an aversion. I therefore find myself unable to get myself anything more complicated than a bowl of cereal. This isn't particularly good news for feeding a toddler healthily. It's not particularly good news for feeding myself healthily, especially when I already seem to have an aversion to healthy food in general.
Oh goodness. So tonight the big craving (another word for the only thing I can think of that actually sounds palatable) is a giant waffle/pancake-type thing absolutely smothered in fruity sauce and/or syrup and/or whipped cream. I feel guilty about going out to buy something like that, but there is no way in a million years I'll be able to make it myself in my current state. Nor does any of the food available in the house sound palatable. And being hungry is making my nausea worse. And there is the hope that Amelia will eat something while we're out. I have not been feeding her well.
Not that feeding her IHOP food is feeding her well, but it's feeding her something. Gagh. We are WAY over our budget. I've been so craving-driven and aversion-avoidant that I've used practically all our food stamps on random things like cheesecake, expensive Costco casseroles, Papa Murphy's, etc. Food can be pricey if you go about it in the right way. Anyway, I will feel bad if I do end up going out for food. It's just... what do I do?
I eventually decided to go to Shari's, and I invited Paul and Cassie to come with. I needed something to eat before I got so sick that I was unable to function. Amelia didn't eat. It was supremely frustrating. On the plus side, I did get to eat something that resembled a good meal. And I got to socialize with Paul and Cassie. Huzzah. Still just frustrated about Amelia not eating anything or sleeping today. I wish James were here to help. Oh well.
Today Amelia woke us up around 9am. Not too bad. She let me ignore her for a surprising amount today. I've been practically adhered to the computer screen. Perhaps not the best. I read a ton about car seat safety, and then I also entered several giveaways. Statistically speaking, perhaps it is worth it to enter these things, because you may actually win... but I wonder. I entered one for an Amazon gift card, one for a Diono Radian RXT car seat, one for Bamboobies nursing pads, one for a $500 Southwest gift card, etc. I find myself offering up a quick prayer at times telling Heavenly Father how nice it'd be to win some of these things, and honestly, I wonder how much he pays attention to prayers like that. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that He has a personal rule to not interfere with things like giveaways. I wonder how closely related a giveaway is to a lottery or other gambling-type activities in His mind.6 Sep 2014
In any case, all the reading about car seat safety has me feeling extremely nervous about holding Dragon as a lap infant for our trip to Pennsylvania in December. Not only that, but after gate-checking his carseat in order to hold him, I'll worry about the safety of the car seat. Sigh. Gosh, but I wish we'd had loads of cash with which to buy a fourth ticketed seat for our family. I should tell James that really, we should never, ever hold a lap infant again. It's just not worth it, I don't think. Perhaps it'd be a better idea to ask James' parents to ask around and see if there's an infant car seat just hanging out in someone's garage waiting to be used for a second baby or something. In any case, a borrowed seat might be as trustworthy as our own after it's been checked luggage.
I seriously never want to check a car seat again now, and even more, I never want to hold a lap infant on a flight either. It's not safe for so many reasons. Thinking about the physics of what could happen on an airplane... makes me shudder. My own body weight could crush the kid dead. Doom.
Anyway, as mentioned, Amelia was actually somewhat successful in entertaining herself today. It helped that I made myself look away from yet another compelling article on car seat safety and really focus in on her at least some of the time when she came for loves. We read a few books. We had a bubble bath together. We ate some yogurt and some Cheerios.
The big impressive thing of the day... Amelia pooped in the little potty all by herself. Well, that's not the impressive part. The exciting news is that she dumped it into the big potty and flushed it away all by herself. It was marvelously odd to not have been able to see the (possibly) giant turd before wishing it hasta la vista, but I know it existed because of the skid marks on the little potty bowl, the general turd smell in the bathroom, the delightful fecal remnants on Amelia's bumhole, and Amelia's adorable sense of accomplishment. But still. I never saw it. Weird.
Amelia napped some... I am having difficulty napping lately. Not sure why. I wasn't able to talk to James much today. He checked out of his hotel at 4:45am, apparently, and spent most of the day visiting Denali National Park. I assume he is not responding to texts because Denali is in the absolute middle of nowhere, but I am feeling somewhat lonely without his little love notes.
I read some about homeschooling while I was quasi-napping. Usually when I think about homeschooling, I wonder if I'll be capable of doing that with all my health problems, but for the first time, it occurred to me that perhaps it would be better for my health (particularly my mental health) to homeschool. I would forever be engaged in learning, and I know that really does a lot to increase my life satisfaction. This is a very liberating thought.
I also find myself feeling (already!) that I am ready to start "working on" kid number three. I'm still pregnant with number two, and only a few days ago I had practically resigned myself to having only two children for a while (and felt guilty about how having a third might negatively affect our current family!). Um. The priesthood blessing James gave me just a little bit ago mentioned trusting my instincts and my logic and such, and um... how does this work when I feel like my instincts are pendulous? Back and forth, back and forth. No more babies. More babies ASAP. No more babies. More babies ASAP! I don't know. Right now, three babies sounds perfect. A girl, a boy, and one more girl. Then stop? Eek, James is going to seriously facepalm when he hears I've switched back over to the "more babies ASAP" camp.
After the nap, we walked over to Cassie's and it wasn't long before Amelia was obviously starving and I hadn't fed her... and I had a killer craving for Wendy's chicken nuggets, so that's precisely what we did next. Amelia's kid's meal was chicken nuggets, fries, and chocolate milk. The toy was a tiny board book. She likes it. I ate a gajillion chicken nuggets. After I finished my first helping, I felt hungrier than I had before I started eating, so I got some more. Ha.
Today I was quite ill when I woke up. Amelia was very insistent that I wake up and get out of bed though. We talked briefly to James on Skype. Amelia, of course, cheered up significantly in talking to him. She loves him a lot. After the Skype call we dinked around a bit until it was about time to go get him. There was a football game today, so I wanted to start driving over to the airport a bit early. About the exact time I wanted to go, though, Amelia demanded a yogurt. I decided to feed one to her before going, and I still got to pick up James on time. Traffic was bad, but not awful. It was, of course, stop and go around the stadium, and I was surprised that the turn from MLK Blvd toward the Delta Highway was blocked off, but even going the long way up Coburg and onto Beltline, everything turned out fine.7 Sep 2014
James' reunion with Amelia was adorable. I had gotten her out of the car and we were waiting under a tree next to the drop-off zone. I caught a glimpse of James before Amelia did, and I said, "Do you see Daddy?" She gasped, yelled, "I see you!", and then ran over to him with a giant grin, and gave him a big hug. James had to let go of his suitcase, and it started to roll away. It was moderately amusing to see him trying to stop it from rolling into the road while still hugging the tot.
Drove home (not using Centennial, ha), and it wasn't too long before the three of us were all asleep in a row on the bed. We were asleep for three hours or so. James was so exhausted.
He was wonderful and made two grilled cheese sandwiches for Amelia and me. Then, while he was watching Amelia, I took a long, glorious, warm shower and washed my hair and face well and everything. Huzzah! I had kind of washed myself off in the bath while he was gone, but it is nearly impossible to really get myself as clean as I like with Amelia in the tub/shower with me. I feel so much better.
Amelia and James were reading books together for a long time tonight. They read a couple books about pregnancy and life with a new baby, and she was very interested. I don't know how long an attention span is normal for a two-year-old, but I think it is safe to say her attention span is significantly longer than normal. She and James must have been reading long picture books designed for older kids for maybe twenty minutes. Maybe more. And then James needed to spend more time preparing for his Elders' Quorum lesson tomorrow, so I took over on the reading-to-tot duty. I don't know how much time I spent reading to her, exactly, but maybe forty minutes later, she started losing patience actually reading the words on the page, so we switched to talking about the pictures, and then we did that for maybe another twenty minutes or so before I was done with that activity. She was so sad about being done. This child is definitely interested in books.
Of note: at some point after reading the books about new baby, James told Amelia that soon we would have a new baby and that Amelia would no longer be the only baby in the house. Her clear response was, "No, no! I'm the baby!" I think she understands a lot of what we say, and she surprises me sometimes with what she says. I think she understood that we were going to the airport in order to get Daddy, so perhaps she is actually kind of understanding when we say that there is going to be a new baby soon. I think it is also helping to leave some of the baby gear out, like the car seat and the playard. Amelia especially likes playing with the car seat. She puts the baby doll into it and pushes it around.
James got distracted from his laptop and was talking to me for a while. We turn around... "Amelia, what are you doing!?" "I'm typing!" she announces, quite proud of herself. Indeed, she was. She looked like a perfect little office secretary... well, except for the part where she's completely naked except for shoes.
Sacrament meeting was mostly okay. We sat Amelia in our laps again during the sacrament service. She does not understand why she is being made to sit still. She does, however, really enjoy talking about the pictures of Jesus we can see from our seats in the foyer. I think it would be even harder for her if we were somewhere she couldn't see the pictures... like in the chapel. Hur. I think we should make a little "sacrament focus book" for her. Given her adoration of books, I think it would help her to sit still this way. Not only should it help her sit still, but I think this will help her to learn. After browsing through store.lds.org, I think the Gospel Art Book will be absolutely perfect. I have not yet decided whether we should buy one, or get two (one for just Amelia to abuse and love, and one for the family). They are only $3.50. Huzzah! That's amazing.8 Sep 2014
Went to my midwife's appointment. Saw Hilary today. Dragon is still head down with his back to my right, with his butt up toward my ribcage. Heart still beating and all that jazz. He's doing just fine. I didn't really gain any weight this week. I'm shocked! After all those huge stacks of pancakes and bucketloads of chicken nuggets, etc. Seriously, I was expecting to have gained a few pounds, ha. Oh well. I did not lose weight this week. I was at 160.6 lbs. Hilary gave me a list of things to bring to the birth center, so I guess I can start really actually packing for labor. Huzzah! I am officially far enough along to be allowed to labor in the birth center on Friday. It will be hard for me not to hope too hard for labor to start during week 37, ha.9 Sep 2014
[...]We tried to get Amelia to nap, but it was just obviously not working, and she was just obviously not tired enough to nap. She'd giggle, and then look over at us and squeak, "HI!" and lick us and all of that. So... we gave up on the nap idea for a bit. I'm getting nervous that this is going to be more than a phase... After all, she has always seemed to need less sleep than other children I know. And naptime has begun to be more and more Amelia resisting nap and less and less nap. Oh well. We shall see what happens. Hopefully she goes back to napping soon. I think I will at least attempt nap everyday, and not fight too hard if she refuses.
Our new car seat arrived today... a Diono Radian R120. It is fancy. I spent a long time making sure it was installed correctly, including the rear-facing tether, which is a pretty unusual feature. I eventually determined that we did indeed need the angle adjuster that is sold separately. Sigh. I was hoping we wouldn't need it, but it really is a rather long seat. Amelia clearly fits into it better than she fits into her current one, though, so...
The only problem is that the angle adjuster is out of stock everywhere online. I sent an email to Diono to ask how long until this backorder issue is solved. I have put blankets underneath the seat for the moment. I will be far more comfortable once I can get my hands on a real angle adjuster, since that was what the seat was crash-tested with (and passed!), but in the meantime this will have to do. After all, we still need to be able to drive...
I did put in an order on Amazon for the angle adjuster. Theoretically it will ship in 1-3 months. Doom. I also ordered some LR44 batteries, a travel-sized luggage scale, and an indoor humidity meter... all things I would like to have prior to our holiday travels, but don't need now. I have wanted a hygrometer for some time now, because it is sometimes hard to know when it is too humid or too dry in our room before problems start happening. For instance, a little bit ago, I was getting up to pee four or five times a night. I'd pee, and then I'd try to resist taking a huge drink... but I couldn't resist! I was so thirsty! It was seriously disturbing my sleep. I eventually figured out that it was simply too dry in my room. Once I pulled down the humidifier, I only needed to get up once to pee in the night, and I wasn't thirsty. Sleep was much better after that.
Anyway. We went to FHE at Paul and Cassie's. [Stuff happened.] Came home and got ready for bed. Tonight Amelia pointed to a picture of a puppy and proudly enunciated "the puppy!", then pointed to a second puppy and proudly said "the puppies!". Yikes! Singular vs. plural AND articles!
And then, while we were saying family prayers, she said her own prayer... I don't know what she was praying for, but it clearly involved puppies. She was folding her arms and ended with an "amen". It was adorable.
It was about midnight by the time Amelia and I climbed into bed, and despite her lack of nap, she seemed no worse for wear. This is not a good sign for this merely being a phase! Oh no!
During the early afternoon, I called the pediatricians' office's nurse help line to ask about Amelia's possible vulvovaginitis. For about a week, on and off, she's been complaining about irritation down around her vulvae and vagina. And, in the last couple of days or so, she's been producing a very stinky smell down there. I haven't seen much of any discharge and it wasn't pink, but I called for advice. The nurse's advice was to do baking soda baths three times a day (add a few ounces to the bath water) to help restore a good pH balance in the vaginal area. Did that. Also set up an appointment for the evening.10 Sep 2014
Amelia didn't like the idea of a nap when I first posited this to her. But I was super smart and just offered to cuddle in bed for a while. She did like this idea. So we cuddled for a while, and eventually she calmed down enough that suddenly the idea of napping didn't seem so scandalous. So I put her in a diaper instead of panties, got her into a shirt, and then we cuddled to sleep. She napped for two hours, and then she was as happy as could be, and pretty hyper.
James got home shortly thereafter, and he made us Ramen noodle soup for dinner. I dropped him off at [someone's] house so that he could read [...] Alcatraz versus the Evil Librarians [to said someone], then I went to the pediatrician with Amelia. The pediatrician said Amelia's nether regions looked fine even though it kind of sounded like a yeast infection, so really the only advice she added was to put diaper rash cream on it. She knew enough about cloth diapers to know that ammonia buildup [on the diapers] was a possible culprit, but not enough to know that diaper rash ointments are all no-nos with cloth diapers... The ointments will build up on the diapers, void the warranty, cause them to lose absorbency and basically ruin them. Thankfully, I am super nerdy and had already researched this a long time ago and knew that coconut oil was a cloth-safe alternative to diaper rash creams. It is soothing for babies and has all sorts of antimicrobial, antiviral, antibacterial, and antifungal properties, so... it's perfect. Plus, it's a food item, so food stamps will pay for it. :) Went to Fred Meyer in order to get some before picking James up [...]. Got a handful of other things, like animal crackers, chocolate almond milk, and a new hook for hanging my purse on the wall. Got James. Went home.
Amelia was AWFUL for the car ride from the pediatrician's office to Fred Meyer, and throughout the store. The reason? Her prize from the doctor was a small sheet of bug stickers. She would not leave the office until I had helped her remove them all and put them on her shirt. But then she kept messing with them... and dropping them... and folding them on themselves... and basically, all the things you can possibly do to a toddler's sticker in order to make the toddler upset. So during the car ride, she'd drop one. "OH NO! WHERE IS? OH NO! WHERE STAH?" And while crossing the street, she'd drop another. I don't know where it went, so I attempt to get her to keep walking... because, well, it's the middle of the road. "OH NO! WHYYY?!" And then she flopped herself down onto the asphalt (again, still in the middle of the road) and screamed. Yes, it was glorious.
On the plus side, I do think Amelia genuinely loves her new car seat. It is much more comfortable for her, I think. It took a little bit of time to figure out how to get the harness tight enough on her, but everytime I ask her if she likes her new seat, she answers very, very emphatically, "YASS." Another plus... there is so much more room in the back seat now. We might even be able to fit two more people back there instead of just one.
Oh my heck, last night was simply awful. Awful. Amelia was obviously exhausted out of her mind, but she could not fall asleep. We were all in bed around 10:30pm, and I think she finally passed out nearabouts 12:30am. Like I said, awful. We need to figure out how to teach her to fall asleep, but the problem is, I also have great difficulty falling asleep many nights. It is a good night when I fall asleep within an hour of lying down. Two hours isn't too unusual. So how am I supposed to teach the chitlin how to fall asleep quickly? Augh.
Anyway, thanks to the awful sleep quality last night, I was quite exhausted and had a migraine and all that jazz. But I forced myself out of bed because I had an appointment with Dr. Mitchell (my psychiatrist). Thankfully, James was wonderful and such and stayed home to watch Amelia for me while I went to the doctor alone. This was especially nice because she hadn't even woken up yet and sleeping tot is always a good thing. (Well, maybe not always, but...)
The appointment went fine. I was very, very nervous to confess that I had just up and stopped taking Wellbutrin (suddenly, even) without discussing it with anyone. I think the official stop had happened back when I was so sick that I needed IV hydration. I just stopped. And then I felt fine without it. In fact, I am feeling better than I have in years. Better than I have in my entire life, possibly. I don't know if the Wellbutrin was kind of numbing me down(/up?) somehow (while still making me feel leagues above where I felt during the depression), but the fact is I feel fabulous emotionally despite feeling the opposite way physically. I am still quite sick, but I feel... more dynamic, somehow.
Dr. Mitchell was somewhat nervous about letting me stay off, but she agreed to let me try. She reviewed my entire psychiatric history with me first, summing it up with, "So, you were severely depressed for an entire decade?" ... "Yup." Well, I'm still very excited to be off of it. It's not cheap for one thing. We are getting an excellent price for it with insurance, but it costs us roughly $420 each year--not insignificant, by any means. And then, well, I am pregnant and planning to breastfeed (for FOREVER! I mean... not forever... right...), and it's nice to not have to worry about what it is doing to the baby. Or me, for that matter.
Home. Felt yucky, but wanted to go out and about again, so the three of us all went to the library briefly. I checked out a few books on babies/toddlers, some of which I've read before. For instance, I checked out Dr. Sears' The Fussy Baby Book again because I need to remind myself of reasons why I perhaps shouldn't get pregnant again immediately. I still think I'm absolutely crazy, because I'm super sick, and yet I am already pining for baby three. I'm not even done baking baby two. What is wrong with me...!? So yes, I am attempted to reconvince myself that it wouldn't hurt to just wait a while. Right...? I SHOULD NOT NEED CONVINCING.
Anyway. We decided to move the new car seat to a different seat location in the back since right behind the driver's seat wasn't really working well. The new configuration is the tot's seat behind the passenger, and the infant seat behind the driver. I was hoping to fit the tot seat in the middle, but the Graco infant seat is far too wide to allow anything right next to it. Now we know... when baby three comes, we cannot use our current infant car seat and will need to buy a skinny seat. That, or get a new car. Replacing seats sounds far less stressful and less expensive than getting a new car...
There. Lots of love and stuff,
Jenna
and Amelia
and Dragon
