Gorg

I'll bet that word wasn't in your vocabulary. Gorg is something one says when quite tired, but happy, but also impatient for a break, and even a hint of ice cream craving. Hrm.

Little Miss Amelia has not really given us (or me?) much of a break. About half of the time, she's either crying or we're desperately trying to distract her because she's on the verge of crying. It's great fun! I'm reasonably certain she is, indeed, teething. I think I might feel her two bottom front teeth just below the top of her gums... but then that could be wishful thinking, right? Possibly. But the fact remains: no teeth yet. And she's been fussy since about six weeks old and this last month has been pretty bad too.

The last week or so has been doubly awful. Tylenol is no longer magical. For some unexplained reason, she's been even fussier! Eep!

Well, I took her to the doctor Wednesday morning to verify that she doesn't have something else obvious going on in addition to teething... something like an ear infection, or appendicitis, or, or, or... cancer! Brain cancer. Yeah. Or an aneurysm.

Lest you think I'm seriously stressing about the possibility of some lethal disease, I should point out that I'm about 99.5% certain that she is just teething. I do appreciate having proof though. I like to be able to say, Yeah, I'm right. And then when someone says, Oh yeah? Prove it, I like to be able to prove it.

So yeah. Doctor visit. No ear infection. Completely normal physical exam. Of course Amelia was screaming inconsolably the entire time. It was exciting.

Dr. Pelinka said she wasn't sure enough (that Amelia is only teething or that she just has a difficult temperament) to just dismiss her fussiness. Why? Because she's been fussy so consistently for so long... and most fussy babies turn into sunny creatures by three and a half months. Amelia is five and a half months old. So the pediatrician sent me home saying she'll call later after talking to her colleagues about Amelia.

Well, I did get a call back and the consensus among the pediatricians is that Amelia is most likely perfectly healthy. But then, she might not be. So the plan? First, some stool studies. If Amelia's still fussy after a few more days, some blood studies. If those are normal and Amelia is still a banshee, brain ultrasound. Oh, and lucky mom should try going dairy-free for a few weeks.

Oh, gorg. I really, really like dairy. And worse, I've been eating quite a bit simply for convenience's sake. Now I had gone dairy-free for four or five days a few months ago. If anything, Amelia got fussier during those days. And then when I ate dairy again she had a great couple of days. That was good enough for me at the time, figuring that I could go all out a little later if needed.

So yeah. I'm going all-out dairy-free until just before Amelia's six-month checkup on the 20th. That way, before Amelia sees the doctor again, I'll also get to see what happens when I reintroduce cow milk.

We ended up needing the blood studies. Unfortunately, they needed lots of blood, so they decided to try getting it venously.

Oh, it was so awful. Apparently these phlebotomists usually get it on the first try, even with fat babies. Amelia was not so fortunate. The three nice phlebotomists tried to get baby's blood venously FOUR times, all to no avail. Poor Amelia was absolutely hysterical.

The worst thing was that I couldn't nurse the poor baby per lab policy... they're afraid of her choking. Seriously? So sad. The phlebotomists apologized every time they failed, promising that they wouldn't have stuck her again if they hadn't been fairly sure they'd get a vein.

I wasn't sure which would have been less traumatizing for Amelia: staying there and continuing to attempt to get her blood, or coming back another day and starting this whole ordeal over again. It's hard to make decisions like that when your baby has been screaming at the top of her lungs for half-an-hour straight.

I decided to stay. I didn't think they'd be more successful on a different day... Amelia'd be just as chubby (if not chubbier) in a few days, and her veins would be just as thin.

Instead of trying venously for the fifth time, they finally just poked her left ring finger and milked for blood until they had filled eight of those baby-sized vials.

It was really hard on me, though I couldn't claim it was as hard on me as it was on Amelia.

Anyway, the stool and blood studies are already back. Mostly normal... and the abnormal things are the sort of things that aren't necessarily abnormal, if you know what I mean. For instance, an inflammation marker was high. And one of the stool tests maybe could possibly indicate the teensiest bit of malabsorption. So we'll probably repeat that test in a couple weeks.

So tomorrow I get to schedule a brain ultrasound which will probably turn out normal. We figured we might as well do that before her fontanels close, because after that happens we'll only be able to image her brain via a more expensive and radiationy method, like an MRI or a CT scan.

I confess that I've secretly wanted to see images of Amelia's brain. These are the urges that afflict mothers with neuroscience degrees. It seems this wish will be fulfilled. I should be less excited.

I've also been trying desperately to get Amelia to sleep for more hours each day, hoping she'll be happier if she's less tired. It's not turning out to be easy, partly because she's obviously having a hard time. And I'm not sure sleeping more is improving her mood, but we'll keep trying.

We're trying to get her to bed earlier each night too. We hadn't been doing that hard-core at all, because James often gets home at the time Amelia should be in bed. And well, I don't want her to miss out on too much daddy time. Oh, I'd like some me time too. Secondly, all the exciting stuff (like hanging with Paul, Cassie, Matt and Shanna) happens at night. I need to get out of the house to stay sane, but Amelia is absolutely not ready to be babysat... particularly because she doesn't sleep unless I'm next to her. Darn. Still not sure where the appropriate balance for this is.

Well, hopefully she'll go through a happy phase soon, and we can work on teaching her fall asleep and stay asleep on her own. At the very least, I am happy to report that she is able to stay asleep about half the time without staying attached to my chest. This is progress, I'd say.

Sigh. I don't know if I'll ever get around to that "a day in the life" post for five months. Oh well. Stay tuned for the six-month edition. Hopefully, I will find time to write it.

Love and brains,
Jenna and Amelia

The Next Challenge

It's quite possible that Amelia is teething, but there's a big part of me that remains skeptical because long ago everyone and their dog posited that possibility as an explanation for her fussy behavior. I suppose I won't be completely convinced until she cuts her first tooth.

Nevertheless, the past few days have been even more challenging than normal. She's even more irritable than usual and definitely less playful. She's usually in a great mood first thing in the morning, but lately she's having a hard time having fun.

The child is constantly attempting to cram her entire fist in her face and is furious that this doesn't seem to be working too well. She's also nursing even more than usual. Teething rings and toys aren't too popular, though. Neither are cold rags. Perhaps I should be alarmed by the lifetime preference for human flesh.

Drool always adorns her face and she keeps trying to bite my fingers and knees. I give her gum massages and they help... though not for long. (My secret to smooth, soft, beautiful skin is baby drool. Call me if you want some for your own beauty regime.)

I eventually just didn't know what else to do, so I brought out the Tylenol. I kid you not, this has made all the difference in the world. The post-Tylenol Amelia is sunny and playful... or dead asleep. I'm a little confused about the sleeping, though. Fatigue to this degree isn't really a common side effect. My best guess is that the teething pain has made it difficult (or perhaps impossible) for Amelia to sleep deeply, so once she's not screaming or writhing in what looks like excruciating pain, she immediately packs her bags and takes a train to dreamland.

In other news, I had a little episode of mommy burnout. I'd recently determined not to complain to just anybody about such things, but in moments of weakness I break down and ask for advice. This often ends up only discouraging me further, since people offer advice that worked for them... and, well, I don't think very many of my friends have children with temperaments like Amelia's. Perhaps they think I exaggerate and they think that, in reality, Amelia is more like their own babies than I'd care to admit.

No, I don't think Amelia is like all those other babies. But can I blame people for thinking that she probably is? No. No, I cannot.

I made the same mistake at first: that is, I assumed everyone else's baby was just like Amelia. I have slowly come to realize that this is simply not so.

It took dozens of times hearing the exclamation "I can't believe you want to nurse again, baby! It's only been three hours!" tumble from the lips of other mothers for me to realize that seriously, their babies are usually perfectly satisfied nursing only every few hours. What a novel idea.

And I started hearing other moms pining after the sacred nap time, a time when baby sleeps (and stays asleep) alone and mom can have some time to herself. And maybe cook or clean something. How perplexing. Maybe I'm just not putting baby down as gently as they put their babies down or something. Nope.

And then I hear mothers praising the almighty swing. I joined in too, saying that every once in a while, it tricked Amelia into thinking she was still in my arms long enough for me to eat breakfast. And then I realized that many babies stay asleep for HOURS in a swing. And I ran across several warnings not to leave your baby in a swing for more than x number of hours... when they're awake. James and I were surprised and wondered aloud, "What?! There are babies that let you leave them--awake--in a swing--for hours?" I'm not sure I'd believe it even if I saw it.

It took me months to realize, deep down, that everyone else's baby is not like mine. And then, during mommy burnout, I forgot. When I got a ton of recommendations to hire a babysitter and go do something without Amelia... I began to doubt myself. Perhaps everyone and their dog is right. Perhaps I do need to do what everyone else does and leave Amelia with someone else for a while. But it didn't feel right.

So I did what I always do when I feel like something isn't right: I prayed for clarification. I prayed a lot. I even got a priesthood blessing for strength and comfort. Well, of course that helped tremendously. I have no idea what happens to other people's babies when they're left behind, but I know Amelia, and I need to stay with her. And you know what else? Yes, I needed to recharge, but I found out that there are ways to recharge while keeping the baby with me.

I feel a lot better now. I recharged... by going out. With the baby, but I went out. I went shopping. I hung out with other moms and their babies, and we had some nice adult conversations without a hint of sing-song voices or nonsense. I spent time with friends. And I feel 100%... and I never had to leave Amelia during one of the more difficult parts of her life so far. Whaddaya know? The Man Upstairs knows what He's talking about. Even better: I'd been feeling so alone, like I'm the only mom with a high-need baby among all my acquaintances... I discovered that one of my friends also has a high-need baby. Yay (for me)!

And besides... I honestly believe there isn't a babysitter on the planet who could handle Amelia. And honestly, time without the baby isn't all that relaxing.for me. Most importantly, it's awful for Amelia. Someday she'll be ready to let me leave her alone for a while. Not yet, though.

The other big thing I needed to do to feel better? Stop comparing myself to others.

Anyway, Amelia is sad that I'm not nursing.

Love and lactose,
Jenna and Amelia

Chubby Baby

While I was pregnant, I would have told you I didn't have any real expectations about what Amelia would be like. I mean, I was openminded to having any baby from a wide range of babyness.

It turns out that I did have expectations, actually. I expected her to fit within two (maybe two and a half) standard deviations of the mean... in all parameters.

I think Miss Amelia is exceptional in two regards: her size and her temperament.

Amelia is not exceptionally long... just fat, very fat. Mostly in her cheeks, legs, and arms. Designers of baby clothes did not have Amelia in mind when they were doing their jobs. It seems that most clothes are way too big on my daughter, except in ONE dimension... i.e. a pair of pants is way too long on her, but we can't get the waist of the the pants over her massive thighs and butt; roomy shirts that squeeze Amellia's arms like sausage casing.

And of course Amelia Rose will not tolerate tight clothing.

Sewing skills would have come in handy right about now... if I had any.

The end result is that we go up yet another size and have to roll up sleeves and pant legs. And then her clothes drape over her like a tent on a small hippo.

Amelia will be 20 pounds in a matter of days (if she isn't already) and wears size 4 diapers since the size 3s are beginning to squeeze her thighs a little too tightly. She is 4.5 months old. I am currently collecting clothing in the following sizes: 18 month, 24 month, and 2T. Except for pants... those vary wildly in fit-ability. We have 6-month pants that fit her perfectly. We also have 18-month pants that WILL NOT fit over her chunk-o-thighs.

Love and liquid cheesecake,
Jenna and Amelia

Amelia's 4-Month Checkup

Height: 25.5 inches (90th percentile)
Weight: 18 lbs 10.2 oz (100th¹ percentile)
Head circumference: 16.5 inches (didn't bother telling us the percentile)
Shots: two in her right thigh and one in her left thigh (unhappy baby, got over it after turning red with anger and then nursing to contentment)
Development: seems to be pretty average on grabbing skills, above average on pushing up on her forearms during tummy time (but completely uninterested in rolling over), above average in standing (horrible balance), super alert (too alert?), coos and smiles appropriately, excellent eye contact
Comments from the pediatrician: "She seems old for her age."² "I love her chubby limbs!"

Love and building immunities,
Jenna and Amelia


1 Hmm. Is there such a thing as the 100th percentile? I was always under the impression it was a mystical number, only to be obtained by sampling the ENTIRE population and to be proudly awarded to the data point with the truly largest value... Well, the pediatrician is under the impression Amelia is IT.^↩

2 I think the idea she was trying to convey was that Amelia is so alert and attentive, like an older person in a baby's body. I think, anyway.^↩

2012 in Photographic Review

January

I think we announced to everyone that we were pregnant. We'd found out on Christmas 2011.

I got really sick.

James was in his second year of grad school, working toward his PhD in mathematics.

February

Like, really sick. Hyperemesis gravidarum, sick.

I had to start working very part-time.

March

Still sick. I'm still working part-time, and calling in sick fairly frequently.

We started calling the baby Pterodactyl.

April

I've given up on ever getting over the pregnancy nausea until I give birth.

I had an ultrasound, and we found out Pterodactyl is a girl.

May

Sick. Sick. Sick.

Oh, and we flew over to Pennsylvania for Peter and Katie's wedding.

June

I visited my family in Arizona. We surprised my mother with my visit.

Still sick a lot.

July

Sick. Hardly working.

A few people threw a baby shower for me and Nikky Randall, whose due date was the day after mine.

August

Sick. Quit my job.

My water broke in the middle of night on the 19th, but I did not go into labor.

We went to the hospital, and labor was induced.

And Amelia Rose Dilts was born on the 20th around 6pm.

She weighed exactly 7 pounds and was exactly 20 inches long.

She was jaundiced for a while.

Also very sleepy.

September

But things got better.

Until the jaundice and excessive sleepiness stopped.

Then she become a mightily fussy child, all the time.

My parents came to visit for Amelia's blessing on the 30th.

This was nice.

October

The fussiness continues, although there were less fussy times.

The doctor told us it was colic.

And so when Amelia had a less-fussy phase, we thought the storm was over.

This turned out not to be the case.

But we love her anyway.

November

This was a fairly good month.

Amelia got pretty chubby.

And sometimes she smiled.

We went and visited Danny and Steffanie's family for Thanksgiving.

December

Amelia continued to gain weight and was 18 pounds by the end of December.

We visited the Corbitts in Washington for Christmas.

2013 will be a surprise.

We hope it is the good kind.

Christmas Traditions

James and I don't really have any Christmas traditions yet. We spent Christmas with my freshman roommate's family; they seemed to have plenty. They went caroling and dropped off homemade jelly. They watch the Muppet Christmas Carol every year. They decorate gingerbread men or houses. They read Christmas stories. They act out the Nativity. I think there are more, but I forgot them.

I'm not sure I want quite so many traditions just out of consideration for my own stress level, but I think I do want some.

So far, here are my ideas:

1. Something to do with Jesus. We'll think of something, right?
2. Buy Christmas decorations for half off after Christmas, then use them the following year. Abstain from buying these before Christmas.¹
3. Everybody gets to choose their own stocking at the store when they are old enough to reasonably do so. Before this, they get to use one of James' long socks.²

That's all. Please tell me your Christmas traditions, I am in need of ideas! :)

Love and Christmas,
Jenna and Amelia


1 We bought our first Christmas tree for $12.50 a few days ago. It is a four foot tall fake spruce. It has lights built into it. Woo! We also got some blue shatterproof ornaments and a couple pretty bead garlands for it. Maybe next year we will buy stockings for James and me.^↩

2 So here's the thing. I'm a neat freak. My family had four matching stockings... and five people. There was always an odd stocking out. It bugged me so bad. And, well, I have no idea how many children I will have. I could have two. Or twelve. Or any number in between. So the only way I can guarantee that all our stockings will match would be if I bought fourteen all at once... even though I have no idea if I actually will have twelve children. So I figure letting everyone pick their own stocking will mean NONE of the stockings will match, but that's better than only a few matching in my book. I can convince myself it's okay that they don't match if each stocking was picked individually. :)^↩

Goals

This particular post is inspired by two things: firstly, my friend's hilarious blog post "Resolved:", and secondly, Lesson 7 from Teaching, No Greater Call: "Developing a Personal Plan to Study the Gospel". (I'd decided to read through the teaching manual for my gospel study each day, and I'm finding it surprisingly exactly what I need right now.)

Anyway, on to my post... goals!

I'm not going to write any New Year's Resolutions. Although I could write an entire blog post about this... I feel it will merely be a reiteration of my friend's blog post I linked to above. She is wise.¹ So yeah.

Here is my view on goals: you should make them all the time.

For instance, every night while writing in my journal, I write down one or more goals for the next day. It can be anything... like, say, "Get some rest. I'm so pooped." Or, "Go pick up my prescriptions, mail package, buy apples, deliver gift to friend, write and mail thank you note, do ALL the teeny tiny tasks!" Or, "Do something to learn Serbian." Or, "Go get a massage." Or, "Sleep in." Or, "Eat three meals." Or, "Eat a vegetable." Or, "Don't die." See? Little goals, but all things that will make me more awesome. (These are all things I have written in my journal as real goals, by the way.)

I also have more long term goals, of course. I have weekly goals, like "Floss at least once daily for a whole week!"² Or things like that.

I also have less frequent goals, like "Do visiting teaching every month this year!"

And then there are the continuous goals. So, since my written-down goal from yesterday is "Make a gospel study plan", here goes:

My Super Awesome New and Shiny Gospel Study Plan!

1. Begin and end each study session with a prayer
2. Finish studying Teaching, No Greater Call as default study material, at least one lesson per day
3. Next, study the Old Testament as default study material, at least one chapter per day
4. When the Conference Ensign comes out, make this the default study material, at least one talk per day until all talks have been read
5. On the appropriate Friday and Saturday nights, read the lesson material (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Lorenzo Snow) for the following Sunday's Relief Society lesson, at least half a chapter per day
6. On Sundays, replace my normal reading material with gospel reading material (such as that month's Ensign or Jesus the Christ)

So yeah. This is open to adjustment, of course, but I'm pretty excited. This is the first time in my life that I've ever consistently read my scriptures each night, so there's actually a chance that this will be completely successful!

That's enough about goals, I suppose. Now for updates on the baby!

We have officially become "hippie parents" as the requirements had been laid out in my head. What finally made me decide James and I qualified for this title? ... We've taken up that whole elimination communication thing I mentioned in the footnotes of a few posts. You know, the thing where the baby doesn't wear diapers and you hold the baby over a potty and they go in the potty.

I had commented that I had sensed that Amelia had a secret desire to be naked. As in, no-diaper naked. Her pleased behavior when we oblige her and give her some naked time seems to confirm that she actually did want to go diaperless, and I wasn't making up that idea. She tends to cry when we decide to put the diaper back on. (We don't let her stay diaperless most of the time.)

We bought a little infant potty for her. To my immense surprise, she is quite fond of it, and likes to hang out sitting on it. Yes, she pees and poos in it. Sometimes she'll pee right after getting settled on it. In fact, James just had to go flush a pile o' poo down the toilet. It was smelly, but a lot easier to clean up than the standard poopy diaper. I was surprised to discover that we could be successful with this even if she pees in her diaper 80% of the time.

So there you have it. We are now letting Amelia tell us when she has to pee or poo. It's kind of like how she says she's hungry, only this is the other end of that tube. We figure there is no sense in making the kid pee herself if we know it's going to happen. She doesn't want to, it seems. Why train her to sit in her own waste if we're going to have to get her out of diapers someday anyway? It just makes a lot of sense to us.³

This is how we finally became official hippie parents. We are avid attachment parenting fans. We breastfeed on demand, even if there's lots of demand. Amelia is basically always in-arms. We co-sleep, and she will sleep with us as long as she likes (or possibly sooner depending on when the next baby is). We minimize separations. We respond to her cries always. I plan to exclusively breastfeed her until she grabs food and stuffs it in her mouth, and I will continue to nurse on demand until she weans herself. And now? Now we communicate with our baby, sense when she needs to pee, and then let her pee in the toilet. Yup. Hippies. Really, though, this is all because this seems the best and easiest way to parent in this family.

Amelia is still, however, mightily fussy very, very frequently. I've decided once and for all that she does not have colic and really, never had it. They say colic goes away by four months at the very latest. And well, the fussiness is still here. There are waves of relative contentment, yes, but by and large she is still much more difficult than any other baby I've met.

So. Ixnay on the olickay. My conclusions? Amelia just has a more difficult temperament, and is what Dr. Sears and his wife call a high-need baby. I recently read The Fussy Baby Book. Oh my heck. I think they had a secret camera and spied on us in order to write the book, even though it was 1996 when they wrote it. Their fourth baby, Hayden, was almost identical to Amelia in mannerism. Amelia, like Hayden was, is intense, draining, demanding, often unsatisfied, unpredictable, super sensitive in some ways, not a self-soother, and very separation sensitive. We can't put her down (EVER). She feeds and awakens frequently. If you read that page about high-need babies I linked to, you'd have a fairly broad and accurate idea of what Amelia is like. The only bits that aren't really true are the hyperactivity and the not sleeping much. She sleeps lots, but she doesn't stay asleep for too long and we have to be with her the entire time she sleeps.

Oh my heck, it was so nice to read that someone else had a baby like Amelia. And instead of an endless list of "try this"es, there was an acknowledgement that maybe nothing was "wrong" with her and I didn't have to keep searching for a need that I wasn't fulfilling, because I was already doing everything, and I've been doing it dang well. My intuition has been telling me that Amelia is the picture of physical health, but it was hard to listen to it sometimes.

AND THEN. An acknowledgement that no one really understands what it's like to have a high-need baby until they've had one themselves... so refreshing! It got a little tiring when I'd write a blog post about Amelia's demanding behavior and then I'd receive a barrage of "Have you tried this?". Regarding their high-need baby, the Sears' wrote: "Our job was to accept Hayden's unique personality, appreciate her special traits and channel them into behavior that would work for her, and for the family. It was not to change her for our own convenience. Hayden was not the standard baby, and standard baby advice wouldn't work. Once we regarded her not as a behavior problem to be fixed but a personality to be nurtured, living with her became easier." And you know what? They gave me permission to view Amelia in a more positive light. Yes, she's loud and demanding, but she knows what she needs and is persistent. That's a good thing, in a lot of ways. I don't think I would have learned nearly as much about parenting with an easier baby.

Phew. It feels so good. I don't even mind so much when Amelia is crying. I can stay calmer and respond to her needs better. Yay!

The other book I'm glad to have found recently is The Wonder Weeks by Hetty van de Rijt and Frans Plooij. This has helped me come to terms with Amelia's even-fussier-than-normal phases. The theory is that there are specific ages when all babies get fussy because their brain just did some majorly fast and overwhelming development. Essentially, they wake up and the world seems completely different than it was before they fell asleep. Scary!

...Amelia is currently in one of these evil fussy phases. But, you know, it helps to know the increased fussiness is for a good reason. And that she will get a whole bunch of new skills after this. The bad news is, the researchers think this is a particularly long fussy phase, and will likely last anywhere from one to six weeks, but probably around five weeks. ... Holy trash, I'm not sure I can handle five weeks of this, but... one day at a time.

I should give James a break from baby. He's saying, "Ugh, two hours with baby is AWFUL." And I glare at him and remind him what I have to do when he's on campus for twelve hours. Oh, and now he's yelling that peek-a-boo is a stupid game and there's no reason Amelia should demand MORE peek-a-boo after fifty peek-a-boos. Heh. He's a wimp sometimes, but I love him. :)

Love and ear-splitting shrieks,
Jenna and Amelia


1 Speaking of this friend, I have a message for her: I think I should warn you that, in the hypothetical scenario that I die before James does and you are still single when this happens (I figure this is all highly unlikely), I have ordered James to court you. Yup. I figured if I have to die and I want some lady to help my man finish raising my offspring, I should have a say in who this woman should be. Well, dear lady, it's you. Heeheehee! Hope I haven't disturbed you too much. :)^↩

2 I intensely dislike flossing. I think, perhaps, this is related to the fact that my teeth are a little too close together, so I struggle to slip that thin piece of floss between each tooth... and then, once I get past the tight spot, my floss comes down into the gums super swiftly and painfully. Grrr. If I had an extra $4000, I'd invest in some orthodontic work. I also have a major overbite which is a bit annoying. Sometimes my bottom front teeth hurt the roof of my mouth.^↩

3 I saw the book Diaper-Free Baby by Christine Gross-Loh in the library. I checked it out because, honestly, both James and I were intrigued and surprised and really, really curious. After reading half of the book, James was convinced and decided to try it out right then. He kept checking every thirty seconds to see if she had peed. It was kind of cute.^↩