I'm still surprised that there are people who think I describe things (i.e. my struggles with health) in far too much detail. And I could understand that if I had ever thought that blogging was private. I am aware that anyone and everyone can visit my blog and read up. So, the things I actually think are unacceptable to share, I don't. To be honest, I don't feel like I'm divulging much. I feel that while I do let on that there is a ginormous iceberg worth of personal things to talk about, I only share the stuff above water. That is to say, I only share the things that would be obvious if we WERE talking face-to-face.
For the days when I write about pain--it's totally written all over my face already. For the days when I describe my mental health concerns--you'd be able to tell that I'm struggling inside from a mile away. So if I wanted it to be personal, it'd already be out there, even without writing about it.
I actually have a blog specifically so that I don't keep everything walled up inside. I'm having enough difficulties as it is; if I didn't share, I'm certain I would have more mental breakdowns. I used to have a long list of email addresses and I would send my writings and rantings to everyone on that list.
Although this email system was more private, I decided that a blog was more appropriate for the following reasons:
1) There are people that are not on that email list that are interested in my life and care about me. They definitely want to know what's going on. By making this publicly available, these people are let in, and I can share.
2) Perhaps there are people on that list who DON'T want to read what I have to say. In this case, they simply have the option to never visit my blog.
3) There are people not on the list who are going through similar situations and want to read portions of (but not all) my blog for selfish reasons. While they would not be comfortable announcing that they are having difficulties, they still find comfort knowing that they are not alone. And I don't mind in the slightest.
4) I don't have anything so private that if someone asked or was interested, I wouldn't share anyway. Perhaps you thought I am shy... this isn't true. I'm just quiet. Not shy.
5) I haven't done anything that would get me in trouble if I shared it.
6) It's obvious I'm struggling anyway. My hatred of rumors is enough to want to prevent their formation with a hefty dose of public truth. Furthermore, no one will think less of me for having struggles; anyone in my situation would be struggling. Not everyone in my situation would be thriving as I am thriving.
7) This automatically archives my writings.
8) I just moved. All my close friends (besides my husband) are in other states. It would be overwhelming for me to contact them one by one and tell the same things over and over again. Along the same lines, I don't have anyone in Oregon to confide in yet.
Anyway. To the real purpose of my post: an update that I am doing much better.
Physically, I have not had back pain since I fell down the stairs that one time. Physical therapy has been extremely helpful. I was seeing a second physical therapist for another pain related problem. This problem is also improving drastically.
Mentally, I also seem to be improving. I am now seeing a psychotherapist weekly. I like her and she is a good fit for me. Among the things I am still working through are exercise-related anxiety and being-in-large-groups anxiety. Both are improving.
Two Saturday mornings ago, I told James that we should go hiking. Unfortunately, as soon as he accepted the offer and got ready to go, I had a major panic attack and couldn't go. I had hiked that particular route before and the panic made it so that I could not breathe and thoughts like "I'm dying" and "I'm going to fall down and hurt myself permanently" invaded my mind almost against my will.
I tell you this so that you can understand what a major milestone it was when I hiked up a mountain a few days ago without anxiety. (I did use some anti-anxiety medication, but the idea is to get enough good experiences without anxiety so that I can eventually exercise at will without panic attacks and without medication.) I was surprised to find that although it was challenging (after all, exercise anxiety generally means you're out of shape), it was no big deal. It's great to realize that I actually can climb mountains. Woohoo!
