I'm not doing super spectacularly today, so I figured I should do something to make me feel better. And spilling it all out seems to help me, so here goes.
I am having a second miscarriage... in a row. I got a faint positive on a pregnancy test on Monday. I was super excited about the discovery of Baby Gamma, and it was even more exciting after losing Baby Beta last month. And because we've trying for a second pregnancy for nine months now. I've found it frustrating, and what a relief for that to be over with.
Only then I started bleeding heavily the very next day. And you can guess a lot of what went on after that. Bye bye, Baby Gamma.
The biggest trial here for me is emotional. Now, both of the miscarriages were so early that they definitely qualify as chemical pregnancies, because they both ended just after four weeks gestation. Very, very early miscarriages indeed. So I sometimes berate myself for reacting so strongly to them, telling myself I have no right to cry compared to someone who miscarried at six weeks or eight weeks or ten weeks.
But the truth is, it still is really hard. In my mind, I can't not think of either of them as potential babies that just didn't make it. I know, in the sciencey section of my noggin, that most miscarriages happen because something was wrong the fetal genetic material. And I certainly would prefer my baby to have a fully functional body.
BUT... It. Still. Stings.
Especially when you add female hormones to the mix. Sounds like a recipe for an emotional earthquake to me. And really, the Atonement of Christ is the only thing pulling me through right now.
I am desperately hoping that this time I don't bleed for an entire two weeks like I did after Baby Beta. Every day of bleeding is a reminder of what I'd been so excited about.
So... here's to hoping Baby Delta comes soon and makes it to dinosaur name status (i.e. past the first trimester).
On that note, I should end happily. Amelia has been so sweet lately, and talking up a storm with increasingly recognizable speech. My Facebook is littered with words she's been spouting out this week. Yay!
Love and babies,
Jenna
