Now. Regarding the disastrous diaper change. Ah, yes. I see many of you parents reminiscing... and perhaps flinching. That, or giggling, because it's funnier in retrospect, right?
So. I decided one innocent afternoon to change Amelia's diaper. It was, after all, poofed up like a sponge which has just absorbed tons of liquid. I put Amelia down on the changing pad. She makes a face. Why, Momma, why? Why must you put me down?
Now, I must tell you that so far I'd been feeling pretty smug because I haven't had any diaper disasters yet. I felt that I was super smart for getting out the new diaper, opening it up, and putting it underneath Amelia's bottom before removing the soiled diaper. This had already prevented many a mishap. WELL NOW. This time, I do this same thing. Clean diaper is out and READY for any surprise onslaughts of waste matter.
Upon opening the old diaper, I find, to my surprise, that it is full only of pee. No fecal matter in sight. Well, that's strange, I think. After all, she's been a fairly regular poop machine since she got out of the meconium stage. A nice beautiful bowel movement every few hours. In retrospect, I should have recognized the suspicious lack of poo in Amelia's diaper as a red flag, and I should have immediately refastened the diaper on her little bum and waited in a nuclear bunker until the aerial assault had ended.
Alas, I was not so wise. Dutifully, I wipe. And I go to pull out the old diaper from between Amelia's bum and the new diaper I'd placed. ... But when I pull out the old diaper, the new one comes with it. Oh, well that's no problem, I'll just put it right b---
The following scene plays in slow motion when I think back on it. I suddenly see a growing liquidy blob of something the color of Dijon mustard emerging from the baby's output end. It took me a few milliseconds to realize what this meant, and by then it was too late.
There was a squirt sound like the sort when you're trying to get ketchup out of the bottle onto a hamburger. And then liquidy blobs stream up into the air in a beautiful Newtonian arc of doom. Splat.
I was suddenly a disgusting piece of modern art... splatters of thick Dijon mustard "paint" dispersed all over my lap and my arms and my shirt.
In shock, I yell, "Yauugh! Yuck!" Then, pulling out a wipe, I burst into laughter, thinking it was over. I was wrong.
There was soon another beautiful arc flying through the air--this time it was a continuous stream of amber pee... and yes, it was following the laws of physics with grace. "Eeep!" I take the wipe in my hand and lop it on top of Amelia's down there nether regions. Although this saved my face, it just redirected the urine downward. And soon Amelia was wriggling in a large puddle of her own poo and pee. Oh, and that fresh diaper was now completely useless, having also been turned into a sopping wet piece of modern art.
After wiping off my urine-covered hand, I desperately rummage for a new diaper, and try to open it up, but alas, I was too slow and didn't get it out in time for an encore of fecal matter.
I reach for the wipes. I needed to get the baby out of the poop-pee puddle. I pull the wipe--and to my horror, it was the last wipe in the box. NOOOOOOOOO!!! "BECCA!" I scream. "Please get me those wipes!" Eep, eep, eep! "Baby, please, no more!" Amelia looks up at me with an adorable face... the epitome of innocence. Who, me? What did I do?
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