Gorg

I'll bet that word wasn't in your vocabulary. Gorg is something one says when quite tired, but happy, but also impatient for a break, and even a hint of ice cream craving. Hrm.

Little Miss Amelia has not really given us (or me?) much of a break. About half of the time, she's either crying or we're desperately trying to distract her because she's on the verge of crying. It's great fun! I'm reasonably certain she is, indeed, teething. I think I might feel her two bottom front teeth just below the top of her gums... but then that could be wishful thinking, right? Possibly. But the fact remains: no teeth yet. And she's been fussy since about six weeks old and this last month has been pretty bad too.

The last week or so has been doubly awful. Tylenol is no longer magical. For some unexplained reason, she's been even fussier! Eep!

Well, I took her to the doctor Wednesday morning to verify that she doesn't have something else obvious going on in addition to teething... something like an ear infection, or appendicitis, or, or, or... cancer! Brain cancer. Yeah. Or an aneurysm.

Lest you think I'm seriously stressing about the possibility of some lethal disease, I should point out that I'm about 99.5% certain that she is just teething. I do appreciate having proof though. I like to be able to say, Yeah, I'm right. And then when someone says, Oh yeah? Prove it, I like to be able to prove it.

So yeah. Doctor visit. No ear infection. Completely normal physical exam. Of course Amelia was screaming inconsolably the entire time. It was exciting.

Dr. Pelinka said she wasn't sure enough (that Amelia is only teething or that she just has a difficult temperament) to just dismiss her fussiness. Why? Because she's been fussy so consistently for so long... and most fussy babies turn into sunny creatures by three and a half months. Amelia is five and a half months old. So the pediatrician sent me home saying she'll call later after talking to her colleagues about Amelia.

Well, I did get a call back and the consensus among the pediatricians is that Amelia is most likely perfectly healthy. But then, she might not be. So the plan? First, some stool studies. If Amelia's still fussy after a few more days, some blood studies. If those are normal and Amelia is still a banshee, brain ultrasound. Oh, and lucky mom should try going dairy-free for a few weeks.

Oh, gorg. I really, really like dairy. And worse, I've been eating quite a bit simply for convenience's sake. Now I had gone dairy-free for four or five days a few months ago. If anything, Amelia got fussier during those days. And then when I ate dairy again she had a great couple of days. That was good enough for me at the time, figuring that I could go all out a little later if needed.

So yeah. I'm going all-out dairy-free until just before Amelia's six-month checkup on the 20th. That way, before Amelia sees the doctor again, I'll also get to see what happens when I reintroduce cow milk.

We ended up needing the blood studies. Unfortunately, they needed lots of blood, so they decided to try getting it venously.

Oh, it was so awful. Apparently these phlebotomists usually get it on the first try, even with fat babies. Amelia was not so fortunate. The three nice phlebotomists tried to get baby's blood venously FOUR times, all to no avail. Poor Amelia was absolutely hysterical.

The worst thing was that I couldn't nurse the poor baby per lab policy... they're afraid of her choking. Seriously? So sad. The phlebotomists apologized every time they failed, promising that they wouldn't have stuck her again if they hadn't been fairly sure they'd get a vein.

I wasn't sure which would have been less traumatizing for Amelia: staying there and continuing to attempt to get her blood, or coming back another day and starting this whole ordeal over again. It's hard to make decisions like that when your baby has been screaming at the top of her lungs for half-an-hour straight.

I decided to stay. I didn't think they'd be more successful on a different day... Amelia'd be just as chubby (if not chubbier) in a few days, and her veins would be just as thin.

Instead of trying venously for the fifth time, they finally just poked her left ring finger and milked for blood until they had filled eight of those baby-sized vials.

It was really hard on me, though I couldn't claim it was as hard on me as it was on Amelia.

Anyway, the stool and blood studies are already back. Mostly normal... and the abnormal things are the sort of things that aren't necessarily abnormal, if you know what I mean. For instance, an inflammation marker was high. And one of the stool tests maybe could possibly indicate the teensiest bit of malabsorption. So we'll probably repeat that test in a couple weeks.

So tomorrow I get to schedule a brain ultrasound which will probably turn out normal. We figured we might as well do that before her fontanels close, because after that happens we'll only be able to image her brain via a more expensive and radiationy method, like an MRI or a CT scan.

I confess that I've secretly wanted to see images of Amelia's brain. These are the urges that afflict mothers with neuroscience degrees. It seems this wish will be fulfilled. I should be less excited.

I've also been trying desperately to get Amelia to sleep for more hours each day, hoping she'll be happier if she's less tired. It's not turning out to be easy, partly because she's obviously having a hard time. And I'm not sure sleeping more is improving her mood, but we'll keep trying.

We're trying to get her to bed earlier each night too. We hadn't been doing that hard-core at all, because James often gets home at the time Amelia should be in bed. And well, I don't want her to miss out on too much daddy time. Oh, I'd like some me time too. Secondly, all the exciting stuff (like hanging with Paul, Cassie, Matt and Shanna) happens at night. I need to get out of the house to stay sane, but Amelia is absolutely not ready to be babysat... particularly because she doesn't sleep unless I'm next to her. Darn. Still not sure where the appropriate balance for this is.

Well, hopefully she'll go through a happy phase soon, and we can work on teaching her fall asleep and stay asleep on her own. At the very least, I am happy to report that she is able to stay asleep about half the time without staying attached to my chest. This is progress, I'd say.

Sigh. I don't know if I'll ever get around to that "a day in the life" post for five months. Oh well. Stay tuned for the six-month edition. Hopefully, I will find time to write it.

Love and brains,
Jenna and Amelia

The Next Challenge

It's quite possible that Amelia is teething, but there's a big part of me that remains skeptical because long ago everyone and their dog posited that possibility as an explanation for her fussy behavior. I suppose I won't be completely convinced until she cuts her first tooth.

Nevertheless, the past few days have been even more challenging than normal. She's even more irritable than usual and definitely less playful. She's usually in a great mood first thing in the morning, but lately she's having a hard time having fun.

The child is constantly attempting to cram her entire fist in her face and is furious that this doesn't seem to be working too well. She's also nursing even more than usual. Teething rings and toys aren't too popular, though. Neither are cold rags. Perhaps I should be alarmed by the lifetime preference for human flesh.

Drool always adorns her face and she keeps trying to bite my fingers and knees. I give her gum massages and they help... though not for long. (My secret to smooth, soft, beautiful skin is baby drool. Call me if you want some for your own beauty regime.)

I eventually just didn't know what else to do, so I brought out the Tylenol. I kid you not, this has made all the difference in the world. The post-Tylenol Amelia is sunny and playful... or dead asleep. I'm a little confused about the sleeping, though. Fatigue to this degree isn't really a common side effect. My best guess is that the teething pain has made it difficult (or perhaps impossible) for Amelia to sleep deeply, so once she's not screaming or writhing in what looks like excruciating pain, she immediately packs her bags and takes a train to dreamland.

In other news, I had a little episode of mommy burnout. I'd recently determined not to complain to just anybody about such things, but in moments of weakness I break down and ask for advice. This often ends up only discouraging me further, since people offer advice that worked for them... and, well, I don't think very many of my friends have children with temperaments like Amelia's. Perhaps they think I exaggerate and they think that, in reality, Amelia is more like their own babies than I'd care to admit.

No, I don't think Amelia is like all those other babies. But can I blame people for thinking that she probably is? No. No, I cannot.

I made the same mistake at first: that is, I assumed everyone else's baby was just like Amelia. I have slowly come to realize that this is simply not so.

It took dozens of times hearing the exclamation "I can't believe you want to nurse again, baby! It's only been three hours!" tumble from the lips of other mothers for me to realize that seriously, their babies are usually perfectly satisfied nursing only every few hours. What a novel idea.

And I started hearing other moms pining after the sacred nap time, a time when baby sleeps (and stays asleep) alone and mom can have some time to herself. And maybe cook or clean something. How perplexing. Maybe I'm just not putting baby down as gently as they put their babies down or something. Nope.

And then I hear mothers praising the almighty swing. I joined in too, saying that every once in a while, it tricked Amelia into thinking she was still in my arms long enough for me to eat breakfast. And then I realized that many babies stay asleep for HOURS in a swing. And I ran across several warnings not to leave your baby in a swing for more than x number of hours... when they're awake. James and I were surprised and wondered aloud, "What?! There are babies that let you leave them--awake--in a swing--for hours?" I'm not sure I'd believe it even if I saw it.

It took me months to realize, deep down, that everyone else's baby is not like mine. And then, during mommy burnout, I forgot. When I got a ton of recommendations to hire a babysitter and go do something without Amelia... I began to doubt myself. Perhaps everyone and their dog is right. Perhaps I do need to do what everyone else does and leave Amelia with someone else for a while. But it didn't feel right.

So I did what I always do when I feel like something isn't right: I prayed for clarification. I prayed a lot. I even got a priesthood blessing for strength and comfort. Well, of course that helped tremendously. I have no idea what happens to other people's babies when they're left behind, but I know Amelia, and I need to stay with her. And you know what else? Yes, I needed to recharge, but I found out that there are ways to recharge while keeping the baby with me.

I feel a lot better now. I recharged... by going out. With the baby, but I went out. I went shopping. I hung out with other moms and their babies, and we had some nice adult conversations without a hint of sing-song voices or nonsense. I spent time with friends. And I feel 100%... and I never had to leave Amelia during one of the more difficult parts of her life so far. Whaddaya know? The Man Upstairs knows what He's talking about. Even better: I'd been feeling so alone, like I'm the only mom with a high-need baby among all my acquaintances... I discovered that one of my friends also has a high-need baby. Yay (for me)!

And besides... I honestly believe there isn't a babysitter on the planet who could handle Amelia. And honestly, time without the baby isn't all that relaxing.for me. Most importantly, it's awful for Amelia. Someday she'll be ready to let me leave her alone for a while. Not yet, though.

The other big thing I needed to do to feel better? Stop comparing myself to others.

Anyway, Amelia is sad that I'm not nursing.

Love and lactose,
Jenna and Amelia

Chubby Baby

While I was pregnant, I would have told you I didn't have any real expectations about what Amelia would be like. I mean, I was openminded to having any baby from a wide range of babyness.

It turns out that I did have expectations, actually. I expected her to fit within two (maybe two and a half) standard deviations of the mean... in all parameters.

I think Miss Amelia is exceptional in two regards: her size and her temperament.

Amelia is not exceptionally long... just fat, very fat. Mostly in her cheeks, legs, and arms. Designers of baby clothes did not have Amelia in mind when they were doing their jobs. It seems that most clothes are way too big on my daughter, except in ONE dimension... i.e. a pair of pants is way too long on her, but we can't get the waist of the the pants over her massive thighs and butt; roomy shirts that squeeze Amellia's arms like sausage casing.

And of course Amelia Rose will not tolerate tight clothing.

Sewing skills would have come in handy right about now... if I had any.

The end result is that we go up yet another size and have to roll up sleeves and pant legs. And then her clothes drape over her like a tent on a small hippo.

Amelia will be 20 pounds in a matter of days (if she isn't already) and wears size 4 diapers since the size 3s are beginning to squeeze her thighs a little too tightly. She is 4.5 months old. I am currently collecting clothing in the following sizes: 18 month, 24 month, and 2T. Except for pants... those vary wildly in fit-ability. We have 6-month pants that fit her perfectly. We also have 18-month pants that WILL NOT fit over her chunk-o-thighs.

Love and liquid cheesecake,
Jenna and Amelia