I've been a bit more sick this week, but I still think this counts as normal pregnancy nausea. I have yet to actually vomit, which is also nice. Somehow though, I am still losing weight. Doom. And here I thought for sure I was eating so well. Maybe I'm just eating well compared to how I was eating last pregnancy, but still not actually eating much. That might be it.
Maybe? I don't know. Sometimes I think I never actually redeveloped a healthy relationship with food after the last pregnancy. I usually don't have a problem eating food dumped in front of my face, but... man, if I have to prepare food (even minimally), a little piece of my mind groans and decides food isn't worth it. A little bit of me has remained convinced that food is gross. I don't really enjoy eating that much any more. And so now that I'm nauseous so often again, I'm struggling a bit with the whole eating thing.
Ironically, Amelia is saving me. She is not shy about demanding food. And if I'm forced to find something for the tot to eat, I might as well eat a little too.
Yes, I'm still having those crazy thoughts about having twins. I think my psychiatrist is a little concerned about my mental health at the moment. She was like, "I would feel better if you had some Xanax for when you have these panic attacks." And I was like, "Oh. Really?" I'm not sure I'd use the stuff, but the twin thoughts are pretty invasive, even if I think they are getting less so.
I think what I had to do to get myself to calm down was pretend for a day or so that I really am pregnant with twins for real, and then allow myself to sit down and analyze all the stuff we'd have to do differently than we were planning to had we been pregnant with a singleton, particularly financially.
I suppose I wasn't letting myself sit down and think the issue through because I was caught up in the whole "I have no good reason to think I'm pregnant with twins in the first place" issue. But that was bad because I deal with stress by thinking things through. So I was essentially trying to tell myself to solve the problem by ignoring it. Oops.
Anyway, the things I came up with that we'd need were: three new car seats, a stroller that can fit in the trunk and fit two or three kids in it, and a twin nursing pillow. And maybe a kid leash to prevent Amelia from running out into the street while I'm trying finagle three babies in a row into car seats. That's really all I'd need. Besides more baby clothing, which is relatively easy to come by. Oh, and maybe another twin mattress to put on the floor by our bed.
If we were actually financially well off, it would probably be smarter to just upgrade to a minivan rocketship, but that doesn't really make sense for us right now. We don't have a car payment on our beloved Fred right now, and he's never broken down and is quite reliable. It makes more sense to dish out the moneys for car seats that are designed to fit three-in-a-row in the back of the car than it does to dish out all the expenses associated with a new vehicle. A minivan is quite tempting though... sigh. That's for kid four, I guess.
...
You know, now that I think about it, I vaguely remember telling Heavenly Father if he ever decided that He absolutely HAD to send us twins, he'd better do it with either the second pregnancy while we have room for twins in our car, or with the fourth or fifth before a minivan fills up, or... you get the idea. It's one thing to go into a pregnancy knowing you'll need a new vehicle before the baby arrives. It's another to have that little surprise while pregnant.
Hmm.
That thought didn't help. WHAT IF MY PRAYER IS BEING ANSWERED!? OH NOOOO.
You see, I am quite good at freaking myself out.
Anyway, once I actually spent a few days and went "shopping" and selected car seats, a stroller, and a pillow, I suddenly felt better. And just with the way our insurance works, even if the twins ended up in the NICU for weeks (sad!), it would only actually cost us another $1000 more than a singleton birth. I was all like, I CAN DO DIS TING WIT'OUT FINANCIAL RUIN! YUSSS! Only I don't know if I'm doing dis ting in the first place. But if I am, I CAN DO EET. I think. As for the actual managing two beebees at once, I was just planning on winging it anyway.
I have resolved to ask for an ultrasound on my first prenatal visit to reveal the number of babies. One or two... it'd be nice to be certain about SOMETHING finally.
Tomorrow I hit 7 weeks, and my first appointment isn't until nearly 11 weeks. I seem to recall that the midwives have an ancient ultrasound machine in their office, so they might look during the first appointment, but I suppose it is just as likely they'll tell me to schedule an appointment with the actual sonographers a bit later than that. So we have a while. I can make it, methinks.
Methinks. Every once in a while I'm tempted to call their office in a "panic" about something I know is completely normal... just so MAYBE they'll look inside to see what's going on. An even crazier part of me wants to make up stuff like "oh no, I is bleeding and cramping is ouch, please halp is beebee OKAY please halp i is scared" just to be certain they'll look. Sigh. Sometimes my better judgment makes my life so boring. And man, ignorance could be convenient, too. I'm already noticing round ligament pain (apparently not too unusual in second or later pregnancies). If I didn't know what it was and that it was completely harmless, I could totally call in a panic and get an ultrasound. Le doom.
I seriously sometimes scratch my head perplexedly at how utterly clinically unremarkable this pregnancy actually is. I cannot thing of a SINGLE good reason besides my mental state to demand an ultrasound at the moment. I want one.
Also, I begin to wonder if God is exercising His sense of humor at me. He is being so vague. And every time I notice a new pregnancy symptom, I'm like, "OH NO! NOT YET! IS TOO EARLY! I IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS! THE DOOM!" And I think He knows it. So it keeps happening. He must be rolling in the clouds laughing like a maniac, wiping tears from His eyes. And, just to keep things on the iffy side, he makes sure that it's not too rare for a mom with a singleton to have the same experience.
WHY I MUST TO KNOW THE TRUTH NOW HALP,
Jenna
plus the contents of her womb
whatever that means
confused
is i sane?
wut
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