To Offend and to Be Offended

“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.” --Brigham Young

I have a question for the general populace, but it will take some preliminary explaining.

I have noticed--throughout my lifetime--the ease with which people are offended. And, more importantly, stay offended.

Now, to make sure semantics do not cloud my meaning, let me explain exactly what kind of "offended" I am referring to...

When I refer to an offended person in this post, I refer to someone who is feeling resentful displeasure and they take it very personally. They seem to judge the offender severely, and seem to assume that the offender offended the offendee on purpose and with clear evil intent. In essence, to have hurt feelings and to resent the offender, judging them to be a bad person. And (here's the part I really don't understand) they don't just let that go. They keep those feelings like a cherished, but poisonous pet.

I'm having a hard time adequately explaining what I think I am observing in others, because, in my honest opinion, I have never felt this way, although some may have misinterpreted my body language and felt that they have offended me.*

I don't get offended. Really.

In the majority of cases, if something someone says or does strikes me as inappropriate, I don't feel bad about it for longer than a few seconds (you know, the few seconds of visceral, gut reaction emotions which pop up no matter what). Perhaps without even giving it a second thought, I'd assume that no offense was intended and that, really, it was an act of absentmindedness that does not warrant my attention.

It seems to me that this response is...well, uncommon. People all around me get and stay offended all the time, including many of the ones who tell me they don't get offended easily.

In my mind, taking offense makes absolutely no sense. At all. I see the root of taking offense as misinterpretation. And, well, that can easily be avoided. Just don't interpret it if it doesn't make sense to you, and you do not have adequate information to interpret it accurately. Just don't. (Or, go ask about it from the source of the offending act or comment. Get more information!) I see, at this root of offense, the logical fallacy of ascribing your own points of view, thought processes, reactions, etc. to another person.** Just acknowledge you don't know why that person is doing what they're doing, and leave it at that.***

Life is easier that way. It's easy to get along with people if you never get offended. Like... really easy. Everybody seems intrinsically nice. And, provided you don't find the time you spend with a particular person boring, that person could easily be your friend!

So. Here is the question I wanted to pose to the general populace: Why, oh why, does it so often seem like no one else realizes this? It pains me. Immensely. I see all the time people who are lonely and want more friends either get offended by a potential friend or assume that they have offended this someone--and thus, unfairly disqualifying this person from the pool of available friends. This is so sad!

Please, friends, if you're going to get offended, do it fleetingly. The disease of staying offended has to be one of the most agonizing maladies out there.****

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* It occurs to me, though, that people may have thought I was offended when I wasn't. Even friends who know me well have misread my body language. In particular, one roommate I had often thought I was offended at something I did, and when she expressed to me her discomfort about having offended me, I felt confusion and thought, Wait, what? I didn't mean to send off offended vibes; I have only benign feelings (or perhaps indifference) about that situation! In fact, I'd completely forgotten about the incident! This same roommate misread my body language in other ways. On multiple occasions, she showed me funny clips from The Big Bang Theory. She'd crack up, feeling a little insecure because I wasn't laughing. After the clip was over, she'd express disappointment that I didn't like the video--and I'd think, Wait, what? What do you mean I didn't like the video? That was hilarious! I loved it! Why would you think I didn't like it? ... And then I would realize that throughout the video, not only was I not laughing, I wasn't even smiling. Whilst the clip had captured my attention, I was bordering on a deadpan expression.

** I wonder if this is why my roommate so often misinterpreted my feelings. Did she see my reactions to events and think I must be thinking and feeling exactly the same thing she would in that situation? Or think, Oh, if I was acting like that, it would mean I felt like this. This is what Jenna must be feeling. Oh, no!

*** And, as with all emotions, while you may not be able to prevent the initial emotion and feeling that something unjust has happened, you can choose whether or not to feed and adopt that feeling, or let it starve to death.

**** I worry that I must be horrible at recognizing social cues, because I never know when someone thinks I offended them (unless they straight up tell me). I squirm inside to think that I have offended someone or many someones, but I don't know about it. I can't remedy the situation if I never realize that someone felt hurt by it! No one tells me I've offended them, but given the prevalence of the art of getting and staying offended, I'm sure I've offended many unknowingly. If you are one of these, sorry. :( :( :(