Remember when I wrote a post with the conclusion that Amelia was an easy, but high maintenance baby? I think I'll have to revise that idea and explain that she is no longer that easy. My Facebook followers will already know that Amelia is driving me nuts with crying and screaming.
Turns out reflux is not the culprit, nor does any other physical ailment seem to be the culprit. James often laments out loud, "I wish I knew what was wrong..." And my response? "Well, it wouldn't be called colic if we knew what was bothering her." True, and unfortunate.
It's a little hard on the psyche to have a baby who cries for no discernible reason.* It makes you feel like a bad parent, even when pediatricians, social workers, friends, family, strangers and even deities all seem to think you're doing everything right. So, while I know intellectually that I am an excellent mother, I still feel like a failure at times--particularly when all I can do is hold a screaming little Amelia until she passes out from sheer exhaustion.
It is also a little heartbreaking at times to see what other women with new babies are experiencing. When Amelia was 4 weeks old, one new mom assured me that everything would get a million times better after 6-8 weeks... and while this is apparently true for many, it couldn't have been less true for us.
And then there's another new mom who had almost the same due date as I did... Well, her baby seems so happy. Lots of smiles and giggles, and mom can leave baby with dad without the baby screaming the whole time...
It hurts. Not because I wish her baby was as difficult as mine, but because I wish my baby didn't seem to be so unhappy. I want nothing more than I want Amelia to be happy. I think that's what being a parent is all about, right? Well, it hurts that Amelia seems to be barely tolerating her existence much of the time. If it weren't for a little smile from her every once in a while, I might have been driven into a deep depression. I can't imagine the pains God feels for His many, many sad children.
I'm okay for now. Not great. I know I need help to stay okay... though I couldn't really tell you what kind of help I need.
Love and crocodile tears,
Jenna and Amelia
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*There is, of course, a reason. Amelia is, for some reason, actually distraught. We may just never find out what it is.
Have they ruled out the possibility of food allergies or insensitivities? That's what it sounds like to me...My friend whose son has allergies (and they found out around 8 month) sent me something her doctor told her to do -- it was brutal, pretty much had to cut everything out of her diet for 2 week, and then slowly add things back in. I can send you the foods if you like.
ReplyDeleteBut know that you aren't alone. I was told the crying would slow down around 6 weeks, and was very disheartened when it only got worse. Jack still cries for around 1-2 hours straight a day (usually in the morning then at night). He has reflux, food sensitivities, benign fluid, and lots of fluid in his ears (and ear infections occasionally). It's the hardest thing. But just know you're doing everything right, even if it doesn't feel that way. Amelia is a very lucky little girl to have you as her mom.