I took two weeks off of work--and I'm planning to go back on Tuesday, methinks. I'm throwing up a LOT less. In fact, I only puked once in the last week since the last time I got IV fluids in the ER (we were only there because it was nighttime and nowhere else was open... I wasn't dying or anything). So, I think the hyperemesis and morning sickness are finally resolving. Finally...
Even if I wasn't puking all week, I'm glad I took time off to recover. I've been really weak and really... fatigued. No, fatigued isn't the right word. Exhausted? Drained? Whatever. I've been sleeping anywhere from 8-20 hours each day... usually closer to 20 hours. If I spend too long on my feet, I get light-headed and dizzy and have to take a time out before I can do anything again. At least I am feeling better each day! I can feel my strength coming back, albeit slowly. Retaining food and water can work wonders on a malnourished and dehydrated body. Who knew?
You know what else happens when you start retaining food and water? At least in my case, you all of a sudden get a baby bump. I'm finally showing! It's not quite obvious that I'm pregnant rather than just... overfed. I do have SOME belly fat, of course, but it's getting pushed up and forward so it's suddenly obvious that I eat American food. Under the belly button, it's not fat, but a genuine baby bump. And you know what else? I've never been able to see so far into my belly button... I'm an innie, yes, but really really innie. A nice, tight, long cavern. I'm pretty sure some of the skin now exposed to the outside world has never seen daylight before this week.
I am so glad I got maternity clothes just BEFORE the bump appeared. I was already uncomfortable with pants and such squeezing me in half without the bump. And let me tell you, I'm tempted to NEVER go back. Maternity clothes are simply superior. They are designed to not squeeze your nauseous guts out. That's a plus even when you're not pregnant.
And maternity/nursing bras? A gift from God. Why don't all bra manufacturers make bras with the assumption that the wearer has sore boobs? I have to be absolutely frank here, if I'm going to talk about my boobs in public at all. I'm horrified at how monstrously big they've become. I am now the abashed owner of two DD ladies. Whaaaat? DD is the size people who get boob jobs have! And I suppose pregnant and nursing women. Oh well. At least my other half doesn't mind.
We are hoping to find out the baby's sex in a few days. Assuming he or she cooperates and willingly exposes his or her genitals to the sonographer in a feat of commendable exhibitionism, we'll know on Monday. I'm hesitant to get my hopes up though. This kid could very well be a little stinker right from the beginning.
While it's nice not to be worrying about hyperemesis or dehydration, I guess that also made way for feeling a little blue, and perhaps a little inadequate. I've debated about the wisdom of sharing the following problem with so many on the Internet. I think I'm ready to share my feelings, though, and honestly, I don't care who knows how I am feeling lately. The people who don't care will continue to not care. The people who do? Well, they'll appreciate knowing where I am. Well, here I go. Spilling my guts out.
To be honest, I'm lonely. When James is at school and I'm home all day, it's especially apparent that I don't have anyone else to spend time with. This did, of course, bother me before I was home alone all day, every day, but working all day does have its way of taking up time I would have otherwise spent feeling dejected and alone. So, I'm somewhat worried about myself for when I'll be home alone with the baby. Babies are wonderful, but adult interactions will still be missing.
When I married James and followed him up to Oregon where I knew absolutely no one, I thought it wouldn't be too hard to find a new set of friends. I mean, it wasn't so hard up at BYU, right? I don't get close to people "easily"... it takes a lot of time for me to get to know people. So, I'd first look for people I liked spending time with, and pick my friends from there.
Here's the problem, though. Despite all the wonderful people around me in Oregon, I haven't found a person I enjoy spending time with. There are plenty I don't mind spending time with, but I'm sure everyone has had the experience of finding someone you love spending time with even though you don't know this person very well. And if you're a person who, like me, often has a hard time continuing a meaningful conversation with a stranger, you're able to talk freely with this person.
I've been a little shocked and disappointed to find, to my surprise, that despite there being hundreds and thousands of people in Springfield, I have not met that kind of person in over eleven months. I suppose I was just simply "lucky" that I found so many as soon as I moved to Provo, Utah in 2007, and I shouldn't have expected the same thing to happen when I moved here in 2011.
When I'm feeling lonely, I like to pray. At least then I can feel close to Someone. I talk to Him about my loneliness, and He listens. He encourages me to be more social, and I do try. It's just that me being "social" is still closer to the "antisocial" spectrum. I don't consider myself to be shy. On the contrary, I consider myself as a bold and confident women, albeit a bold and confident quiet woman.
I keep thinking--well, there are lots of wonderful people at church. Sure, I crossed them off "my list" of people I might be able to form a connection with because I didn't feel completely comfortable with any of them, but if I uncross everybody and start with a blank slate this Sunday, maybe I'll find a hidden treasure that I overlooked before.
I don't understand. I keep uncrossing people, but I still feel... alien. Sure, I wanted the instant mini-connection. But surely with enough time, I can get to know and become close to at least one person. Surely. Right? I don't know.
To be frank, everybody reminds me of at least one roommate I never connected with. I have a long list of former college roommates that I never formed a friendship with despite being so close (in location) to one another for several months. Those are ideal conditions for making friends, right?
My intuition about whether I'd be able to form a bond with a person never failed me in Provo. There were some people that I forced myself to spend time with and do activities with in the hopes that I was wrong, and I would find an unexpected, long sought for friend. So why should my intuition fail me now? Maybe things'll turn out the way my intuition thinks it will, but I want to at least do my best to prove it wrong. Emotions are these complicated things, aren't they?
To be honest, I've actually been feeling guilty. I sometimes blame myself for being lonely, because it sometimes feels like my own fault. I say that because I haven't invited anyone to spend time with me.
I want to do something with someone. I could pick a person I feel at least somewhat less unconnected to and invite them to... Well, dang. I'm not sure I have a single hobby or interest I could do with someone else. Yeah, I like movies and foreign films and such, but let's be honest here. That's not really a bonding activity. G'augh. Lest you suggest any sports or games... I dislike all sports. And I don't enjoy games. I know, shocker... everyone is supposed to enjoy games, but to be absolutely, completely truthful, I don't. And I refuse to build a friendship based on an activity I dislike. I'll continue to muse, and maybe I'll come up with something.
Thanks for reading,
Jenna and Baby Alpha
Jennnnnnaaaaaaaa.
ReplyDeleteOh Jenna, my dear. I loooove you so.
Invite someone over to watch movies! Don't let the ACTIVITY get in the way of making friends. Movies are nice because it takes the pressure off, but you're just sitting in your living room so you're ALLOWED to talk (unlike in a theatre). And maybe do a movie you've already SEEN.
Or marathon a TV show. That's an AWESOME bonding experience. Like, for real. It gives you this thing that you can both connect to, and it's something you do on more than just one night.
<333
Movies are great because then you can quote to one another (Clifton and I are frequent movie quoters- it's how we carry conversations sometimes).
ReplyDeleteThis is actually Steffanie commenting, not Danny. I have certainly been where you are with the new family and lonely thing. It's not the easiest thing in the world. Especially when you go to "mother's group" and the only people are two mothers who don't seem to have a single thing in common with you. We really had to make an effort to become friends. I can honestly say I don't think I clicked with either one of them off the bat, or even after a couple of months. There was much about each-other that we didn't understand. But we kept hanging out, because we all shared one thing: we were lonely. So even though one of my friends would come while I was trying to feed my kids lunch, and even though she thought I was a bit of a nutcase, we kept at it. And we kept stopping by the third friend's place, too, even though it seemed she was super-competent and could run the planet single-handed. But in time, we grew to love each-other, and became close. I feel that God blessed us to grow to like each-other. Even though we're no longer in the same neighborhood, we still keep in touch, and I am grateful for the opportunity we have been blessed with. Take heart, follow those promptings, and keep at it. You will be blessed, too. =)
ReplyDeleteSteff
Hey Jenna, I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and I love you. I'm sorry this time has been so hard. I'm sorry you're lonely. That's never fun. I have felt that way too. My last year of college I felt pretty lonely cuz all my good friends were gone and married or too busy or whatever. So I can imagine a small taste of this. A thought came to mind just now that maybe you could find a project to work on or something to volunteer for. I get bored if I don't have something I'm working towards. Maybe that might help and in the process you can form relationships and friendships with like-minded or like-hearted people. Maybe we can brainstorm sometime. btw, thank you so much for the Eat to Live bk. It has really been helping Andrew and I. Sometimes it's hard to follow, but we're doing it. I didn't think you would be sending me a new copy. Do you want payment for it? Also, again, I really am sorry it's been a hard time. I hope we talk soon.
ReplyDeleteLove, Lisa
...How many other people did you pay back for your wedding gifts?
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