I Like Lots of Things

I am doing really well. It turns out that most of my nausea and such is explained by a bacterial infection. In my stomach. I am killing it with antibiotics and am already feeling better. Woo! Emotionally, I've been doing amazing. I found a medication that is helpful and am totally taking advantage of affordable psychotherapy while I can. My thyroid is working fine.

I'm excited to start exercising with the upcoming semester. My goal is to attend the gym at the university twice a week. It turns out that I like elliptical machines way much very more much than running. And stationary bikes aren't nearly as jarring as real bikes. And you can totally rock out to your music on those things instead of being paranoid about not hearing a car coming on a trajectory to run you over. You know. Plus, you can prop books on them. Win! And maybe, I might even start lifting itty bitty baby weights. Maybe.

So basically, I am excited to report a medical all-clear. On the minus side, there are going to be lots of check-ups anyway this year. (But not nearly as many as in the last six months... yikes!) I imagine that these will be mostly comprised of "Hi there, doc. I'm still doing well! Woo hoo!" :)

I Like Veggies

I said in one of my earlier posts that the very fact that I'm posting and telling about my problems is a sign that I'm doing fine despite having some issues. That said, I haven't posted in about a month. And, you guessed, I haven't been doing so well.

The most notable news to date is that James and I are experimenting with a vegan diet for six weeks. I have gotten mostly support for this. Usually I hear something along the lines of "That's crazy. I couldn't do it. But if it helps you feel better, go for it! Hope it helps!" On the other hand, my dad is very pro-meat as a source of protein, iron, and other nutrients, and really doesn't think this is a good idea. I wish people knew more about nutrition before they started giving advice.

James, on the other hand? People are mostly incredulous, because he's already so healthy. They usually get it when he tells them he's doing it to support me. I really didn't expect people (a minority, thank goodness) to oppose his decision to support me so much. To those people (who most likely aren't reading this), I wish they would keep in mind that he is supporting me voluntarily. I'm not forcefeeding him vegan poison. And he'll be okay... we think, anyway. ;)

Anyway, one of the biggest reasons I felt the need to to change my diet and not something else was the whole gastrointestinal problem thing. I never described this online, but I've had incessant nausea with almost daily vomiting for about a month. And let's just say the stuff coming out the other end isn't normal. : / I have an appointment at the gastroenterologist's office in a little over a week.

Also, I'm approaching liver disease. Surprise!

Both these pieces of news almost made me cry... I'm trying to cut down on my medical expenses, not add more and more. If I didn't know myself better, I'd wonder if I was going hypochondriac. (I'm not.)

Despite 58 medical appointments in the last six months, I'm not getting better overall. "Overall" is the key word here--I'm experiencing FAR less pain than I was before and my thyroid is finally acting somewhat normal. Even my antithyroid antibodies have reduced by 90%! And mentally, I'm making a comeback. But, as you may understand, more problems popping up as I resolve others is frustrating.

Anyway, I've made little changes in my diet before in the hopes that I'll feel a bit better. I've added more fiber (helpful), more omega-3 fatty acids (helpful), and cut out wheat (also helpful). Yes, they were helpful, but they weren't worth the extra bother and they didn't help me want to avoid "bad" food. I still wanted luscious cheesecakes and deep fried bacon-covered everything.

So. I figured little dietary changes weren't worth it. Drastic ones? Could be. Plus, a six-week experiment would give me clearer empirical results. I made sure I was well educated before embarking on this so I actually don't do something to make matters worse.

There are lots of drastic diet changes to do, but I decided to shoot for the most drastic one. I recommend Dr. Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live as the most informative book written for the layperson. His strictest suggestions were:

1. Eat as much as you want of :
    a. all raw vegetables, including raw carrots (goal: 1 lb. daily)
    b. cooked green vegetables (goal: 1 lb. daily)
    c. beans, legumes, bean sprouts, and tofu (1 cup daily)
    d. fresh fruit (at least 4 daily)
    e. eggplant, mushrooms, peppers, onions, tomatoes

2. Not more than one serving per day
    a. cooked starchy vegetable OR whole grains (1 cup max. per day)
    b. raw nuts and seeds (1 oz. max. per day)
    c. avocado (2 oz. max. per day)
    d. ground flaxseed (1 tbsp. per day)
    e. added oil (1 tbsp. per day)

3. Off-limits
    a. dairy products
    b. animal products
    c. between-meal snacks
    d. fruit juice, dried fruit
    e. added salt
    f. added sweeteners
    g. refined flours

He of course had some less drastic plans, but I figured I could do the strictest one for science's sake. :) Wish me luck, y'all!

I Like Hiking (I Think)

I'm still surprised that there are people who think I describe things (i.e. my struggles with health) in far too much detail. And I could understand that if I had ever thought that blogging was private. I am aware that anyone and everyone can visit my blog and read up. So, the things I actually think are unacceptable to share, I don't. To be honest, I don't feel like I'm divulging much. I feel that while I do let on that there is a ginormous iceberg worth of personal things to talk about, I only share the stuff above water. That is to say, I only share the things that would be obvious if we WERE talking face-to-face.

For the days when I write about pain--it's totally written all over my face already. For the days when I describe my mental health concerns--you'd be able to tell that I'm struggling inside from a mile away. So if I wanted it to be personal, it'd already be out there, even without writing about it.

I actually have a blog specifically so that I don't keep everything walled up inside. I'm having enough difficulties as it is; if I didn't share, I'm certain I would have more mental breakdowns. I used to have a long list of email addresses and I would send my writings and rantings to everyone on that list.

Although this email system was more private, I decided that a blog was more appropriate for the following reasons:
1) There are people that are not on that email list that are interested in my life and care about me. They definitely want to know what's going on. By making this publicly available, these people are let in, and I can share.
2) Perhaps there are people on that list who DON'T want to read what I have to say. In this case, they simply have the option to never visit my blog.
3) There are people not on the list who are going through similar situations and want to read portions of (but not all) my blog for selfish reasons. While they would not be comfortable announcing that they are having difficulties, they still find comfort knowing that they are not alone. And I don't mind in the slightest.
4) I don't have anything so private that if someone asked or was interested, I wouldn't share anyway. Perhaps you thought I am shy... this isn't true. I'm just quiet. Not shy.
5) I haven't done anything that would get me in trouble if I shared it.
6) It's obvious I'm struggling anyway. My hatred of rumors is enough to want to prevent their formation with a hefty dose of public truth. Furthermore, no one will think less of me for having struggles; anyone in my situation would be struggling. Not everyone in my situation would be thriving as I am thriving.
7) This automatically archives my writings.
8) I just moved. All my close friends (besides my husband) are in other states. It would be overwhelming for me to contact them one by one and tell the same things over and over again. Along the same lines, I don't have anyone in Oregon to confide in yet.

Anyway. To the real purpose of my post: an update that I am doing much better.

Physically, I have not had back pain since I fell down the stairs that one time. Physical therapy has been extremely helpful. I was seeing a second physical therapist for another pain related problem. This problem is also improving drastically.

Mentally, I also seem to be improving. I am now seeing a psychotherapist weekly. I like her and she is a good fit for me. Among the things I am still working through are exercise-related anxiety and being-in-large-groups anxiety. Both are improving.

Two Saturday mornings ago, I told James that we should go hiking. Unfortunately, as soon as he accepted the offer and got ready to go, I had a major panic attack and couldn't go. I had hiked that particular route before and the panic made it so that I could not breathe and thoughts like "I'm dying" and "I'm going to fall down and hurt myself permanently" invaded my mind almost against my will.

I tell you this so that you can understand what a major milestone it was when I hiked up a mountain a few days ago without anxiety. (I did use some anti-anxiety medication, but the idea is to get enough good experiences without anxiety so that I can eventually exercise at will without panic attacks and without medication.) I was surprised to find that although it was challenging (after all, exercise anxiety generally means you're out of shape), it was no big deal. It's great to realize that I actually can climb mountains. Woohoo!

I Like Precision and Exactness

I rarely comment on things on Facebook, but often I am almost driven to when I see a glaringly and obviously false statement. And then it drives me insane when people dispute what I say and immediately dismiss it, when I'm pretty sure I'm right. Topics this week that have driven me insane include the false belief that doctors are often and regularly bribed by drug companies, and the regulation (or lack thereof) of alternative medicine.

I suppose seeing glaringly obvious faults in logic shouldn't drive me so insane when other people's ignorance doesn't really affect me. And I suppose that I'm wrong at times. ... Only I'm not wrong very often, and I feel that when presented with compelling evidence, I let go of my previous assumptions and embrace the truth. Maybe what actually bothers me is the widespread resistance to truth. It seems that for many, the more evidence is presented against their viewpoint, the more stubborn and angry they get. Sigh.

So I'm left wondering if it's better for me to just completely ignore blatantly obvious falsehoods, because it doesn't seem to do anything good. Firstly, it aggravates me and keeps me up at night knowing how many dumb people there are convincing other people that falsehoods are true. Secondly, my arguments seem to make people believe their false assumptions even more, no matter how logical, cool, and complete my evidence is. Maybe Calvin is right... knowledge is paralyzing in some ways. I'm not sure speaking up is ever worth it.

I Like Costumes

It occurred to me tonight that if we got a single classic infant costume, it could last us for 20 years. I'm imagining a wookiee baby... a Starfleet officer baby... a Batman baby... man. And it would totally still be cool (for a nerd family, anyway) in 20 years too.

I haven't been posting as much as I did last month. This isn't because I forgot. Rather, I just decided not to. I'm pretty stressed out. And I feel like I've confessed the whole of it. Basically, it'd be like, "Hey. Nothing new! The end."

I went to the doctor today about my thyroid. I learned some more stuff about it. On Monday I have physical therapy and another doctor's appointment. Aaaand another one on Tuesday. Aaaand another physical therapy on Thursday. Sigh. I'm already having nightmares about the bills, but that's okay. The goal here is to get a baseline healthiness that I can maintain (with some daily routine of physical therapy exercises, thyroid hormone, and maybe some other things) so that when I'm old I'm awesome(r). So I'm grateful that I do have the money to do this.

I Like My Job

I like my job. I don't like that nobody knows what it is I do. I say, "I'm a medical scribe!" ... And then they respond, "Oh, you mean a transcriptionist?" ... No, that's not actually it. I'm a scribe.

Here's the difference.

Transcriptionist: The physician makes a recording of their chart note, a.k.a dictation. He or she sends the dictation to the transcriptionist, who types it up verbatim and inserts it into the chart note. The physician reviews it and signs it. This can take days, or, in a worst case scenario, weeks.

Scribe: The scribe follows the physician into the patient appointment. The scribe types up the chart note during the visit, and the doctor interacts with the patient instead of a computer screen. The scribe summarizes the patient's complaints and the doctor's assessment and plan... fills out the 10 million drop-down boxes and fill-in-the-blanks. The chart note, ideally, is done by the time the patient visit is over. The physician looks over the chart note and makes changes or additions as needed, and then signs it.

So yeah. Much different.

People haven't heard of it because it's a new thing... and there aren't very many scribes in existence. Dr. Austin and Sue loooove it. I pretty sure they break into a sweat just remembering life before scribes... Anyway, they think medical scribing will become a booming industry, but I sometimes wonder.

Typically, scribes are aspiring medical students in between undergrad and med school who want experience in the medical field. In other words, people who don't know squat about medicinal terminology, charting, coding, billing... So it's a steep learning curve. Thankfully, I work in a pretty specialized office (woo reproductive endocrinologyyyy), so I didn't have to learn all about the cardiac system or the respiratory system or the nervous system... all on the first day. And I just can't imagine the first day scribing for a family practice doctor, as they encounter every problem and disease under the sun.

So not everyone is cut out for a job like this. We're not sure who is, actually. Dr. Austin has hired four so far... my predecessor, me, ex-scribe, and other current scribe. Ex-scribe was not so good at it and never got any better. Other current scribe wasn't a natural, but is getting tons better and is learning.

So yeah. I have a pretty unique job. And I wonder how likely it is that once James and I move away from Eugene, how likely it is it would be possible to find another job like this if I had to. At the very least, I could maybe try medical transcription... ;)

P.S. Here is an article about medical scribes.

I Like Moving My Legs

Today is a beautiful day, partly because yesterday was not a beautiful day. Yesterday, my back hurt so badly that I couldn't move or sit or walk or anything. This probably isn't THAT surprising, knowing that I fell down eight stairs last week. I got myself home and laid on the bed for a while... Today, it's gone, thank goodness.

Today I woke up, and magically, I could run, I could jump, I could even sit up! I went to physical therapy today, and did all sorts of rigorous exercises (rigorous for me, anyway). The physical therapist said she isn't worried about it, so I'm pretty excited. And anyway, I'm almost grateful for my brief immobility, because now I take a special joy in sitting up and lying down and stretching without pain.



I totally have free lunch today.

James is hot.

I am hot.

My psychiatry appointment got moved up to early November instead of early December. Woo! Apparently, the doctor read my paperwork and decided I should come see her sooner. So if you're worried about my mental health, you have a whole month less to worry about me! :)

In fact, I've heard a lot of people are worried about me. I've also heard some surprise about how open I am with what's going on -- and THAT surprised me! I'm pretty sure you'd have to be more worried if I wasn't open about it, because that would mean I was closed to support and loves... and really, almost all the things that make everything bearable. Although I was once tempted to think that openly discussing my struggles was weak and pathetic, I've come to realize that I'd be a lot weaker if I didn't. I don't necessarily want people to bathe me in their sympathetic tears, but knowing I'm not the only mortal being who has any idea about what I'm going through buoys me up and helps me cling to a small piece of sanity.

ANYWAY.

I am also sometimes surprised to hear about people who I've never imagined using the Internet reading my blog. Who knew I was so popular?

I Like Sunday

I am not feeling well today. Food sounds so unappealing that even the goodness that is burek doesn't even smell good. :(

Our ward choir sang today. It was about 2-3 times as big during the performance as it was during the practices. Sigh.

Two people today asked where I served my mission. ... ??? Do I seem like a returned missionary to you?

So remember when I asked for prayers? I'm having a hard time. I'm ready to tell you (friends and strangers alike) what's going on. My mother was in the mental hospital a few weeks ago. She's not all better yet. My sister is kind of having a hard time too. My dad is having a hard time coping with this all. And my other sister doesn't talk to me, but my guess is that she is also struggling, at least a little bit.

As far as my mental health goes... I've been deteriorating. And let's be honest... it's not all that surprising. If you consider my extensive family history of depression and anxiety along with the following list of major life-changing events that have happened in the last 6 months.

1. Graduated from college!
2. Went through the temple!
3. Got married!
4. Moved to Oregon!
5. Started a new job!
6. Mom goes to mental hospital... D:

And there are, of course, more. Most of these are good things, but they are still stressful.

If you've heard of the Holmes-Rahe Scale, let me tell you something. It's basically a scale of how stressed you are. It is graded as follows:
A score of 0-149: no significant problem
150-199: mild stress, associated with 35% chance of illness
200-299: moderate stress, associated with 50% chance of illness
300+: major stress, associated with 80% chance of illness

So um... with that in mind, are you ready for my score? I'm not sure you are. But here you go... 519. Yup. My stress level is OFF THE CHARTS! Holy bovine! And considering that, I'd like to say I'm coping quite well, thank you.

So yes. I am stressed out of my mind. Please pray for me. Please also pray for my parents and sisters as they need it as well.

I Like Playing Piano

Although I don't have a calling as a pianist, I play every Sunday... and at many baptisms and other missionary events. Woo? Today I played at a baptism for a long time. It makes me wish I had a piano to practice on, because I tend to mess up fairly often. I still play well enough for people to sing along, but it'd be nice to play without my heart beating a million miles an hour.

Today we bought a quart of chocolate milk... Mmm! The only problem is that it seems they don't keep it that cold in the grocery stores, so I put it in the fridge and I am waiting for it to get super cold.

Tonight we get to watch My Little Pony! Woo!

Last night we watched Cinderella 3... remember how I told you that I like Disney sequels? I'm wondering if I like them precisely because they're so bad. Anyway, I like that Prince Charming and Anastasia morph from flat characters into dynamic characters in this movie. Prince Charming totally jumps off a lighthouse onto a ship. Cinderella basically gets arrested. Anastasia has a change of heart and turns good and finds a hot baker to marry. Prince Charming's dad (King Charming?) becomes friends with Anastasia. Epicly, intensely, horribly, and awfully awesome.



If you're intrigued and for some reason have nothing better to do... you should watch it. Be warned that the "good" part is the last half of the movie. It gets amazing once the mice talk to Prince Charming, about half way through. If you watch it, may Walt Disney have mercy on your soul.

I have ice cream in the freezer... I should eat it...

I like my husband a lot. Even when he makes googly eyes at me all during baptisms.

I Like Disney Sequels

I know, shameful. But it's true. I do like Disney sequels... precisely because they're awful. Just so you know, my favorites are Lilo and Stitch 2 and Cinderella 3: A Twist in Time. I know you're doubtful, but if you go in thinking that it will be awful and you're going to enjoy it anyway--magic!



Today I fell down the stairs and slammed my poor head on the stairs. :(

Physical therapy was good today.

My family is still having a hard time, so please pray for us. This is short today because I am uber stressed out.

I Like My Body

I like Herodotus. I started reading The Histories a few days ago and I find it pretty entertaining. I know it's the first history book ever, but it honestly seems a little like ancient Greek gossip. Plus I'm pretty sure Herodotus has a bowl fetish.

Tomorrow I am excited to go to physical therapy... times two! Woohoo! I am continuing physical therapy for my back pain and starting physical therapy on my pelvic floor muscles. I am starting the latter for a personal problem... And to be honest, I'd tell you all about it but you'll probably think "Whoa, baby. TMI!" As a little hint, pelvic floor physical therapy is helpful for things like urinary incontinence, fecal incontinence, pelvic pain, and dyspareunia. You know. Private stuff. (Actually, it's kind of fun to keep my readers in suspence! Heehee!) And let's face it, you'd be excited to get rid of those problems too! Woohoo!!!!!!!! Exclamation point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Along a similar vein, last night I was kind of upset (again) because my healthcare has gotten so complicated even though I'm only 22 years old. And it's stressful. In fact, too stressful. So with this in mind, lots of people have been wondering when James and I will be having kids. ... ... I am way too stressed to add pregnancy to the list of stuff going on inside my body. It's probably not a good idea while my treatment plans are in flux right now anyway... especially the thyroid thing. Sigh. Oh, thyroid.

Science time!



I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Basically, here's the dealio. My body is making antithyroid peroxidase antibodies. (Thyroid peroxidase is a thyroid enzyme.) This means that my thyroid is being attacked by my own immune system. So, while there's a ton of the antibody in my system, the antibody gnaws at my thyroid and thus my thyroid doesn't do its job as well. So I go hypothyroid, which means every cell in my body isn't getting the thyroid hormone. So I start feeling sluggish, slow, cold, constipated, gaining weight, etc. Also bad for babies.

Here's where it gets complicated. Sometimes the antibodies eat into a hidden cache of thyroid hormone and release into my body... Now I'm getting way too much thyroid hormone. Bam! Now I feel wired. Anxious. Lots of hot flashes and night sweats. Diarrhea! Heart palpitations! Not so good for developing fetuses.

So here I was a few days ago ranting about being hypothyroid. And then all of a sudden I'm hyperthyroid. If that isn't frustrating, I don't know what is. My labs tests confirmed hyperthyroidism as well as an astonishing antibody level of 1240 U/mL (normal is 60 U/mL). I've decided to have Dr. Austin manage my thyroid care (he's the doctor I work with). I trust him and I know he actually knows about Hashimoto's rather than just your run of the mill hypothyroidism.

Anyway, I hate to be bitter about medicine in general, because really I find the whole field interesting and fun! Human bodies are so cool! And let's be honest. My body is largely functioning well, and I sleep like a baby every night. I can even go to work as much as I need to. And I'm pretty darn good looking. Life is good!

I Like Elder Holland

This talk from the Priesthood session was intense. James and I watched it for FHE.

I went to the doctor today, and I came home kind of frustrated. (This isn't a very happy note.) I got two referrals... one to a psychiatrist and one to an endocrinologist. Ugh. I wanted to see the doctor and be done, not to have to schedule three more appointments. :(

I wasn't expecting the referral to a psychiatrist because I feel pretty stable. Sure, I'm sad and I cry for no reason all the time, but that's okay. I feel pretty well adjusted considering my extensive family history of depression and anxiety and all sorts of other fun stuff. And the last person I saw in psychiatry was not very good at her job. Insert dismay here.

However, precisely because I had so much of a family history of mental illness, my doctor thought it would be better to see a specialist who knows more about the pathophysiology of depression and about the newer medicines. Ga'augh, fine. She figured that we might be "barking up the wrong tree". So okay, whatever.

I saw a nurse practitioner in psychiatry four years ago, and she was awful... at least for me. She told me to take 1/4 pill (for sleep, I think) for two days, then 1/2 pill for another two days and work up to a full pill. So here's what I did:

Day 1: 1/4 pill. 3/4 pill pieces left.
Day 2: 1/4 pill. 1/2 pill piece left.
Day 3: 1/2 pill.
Day 4: 1/2 pill. 1/2 pill piece left.
Day 5: 3/4 pill. 3/4 pill pieces left.
Day 6: 3/4 pill.
Day 7: Whole pill! And no pieces of pills remaining! Tada!

Well, it turned out that this NP thought this was HILARIOUS. Apparently, I was supposed to take 1/4 pill for two days, 1/2 pill for another two days, and then start onto a full pill. I had considered this, but this was an exponential curve rather than a linear one... and besides, it left me half a pill left over.

But no. This woman decided that taking 3/4 pill for two days was pathological and indicated that I didn't want to be like my mom. I told her that I thought I had been following her directions to work up to a full pill gradually, and that this had nothing to do with my mother. She would hear no reason, and insisted that I was in denial. I stopped seeing her.

So... I hope this time will go a little better, but it gave me a bad taste in my mouth for people practicing medicine in psychiatry.

On the endocrinology note, I got frustrated because I got the impression that this doctor thought I was using my thyroid medicine as a diet pill because I was changing the dose on my own. (People who have too much thyroid hormone lose weight. However, it's the worst diet pill EVER because it also gives you hot flashes, diarrhea, anxiety, heart palpitations, and insomnia.) She insisted that I shouldn't take more thyroid hormone without lab work proving I'm hypothyroid.

I just have to wonder if she's ever BEEN hypothyroid. It sucks. I also have to wonder if she's ever been HYPERthyroid. If she had, I'm pretty sure she could not imagine taking too much thyroid hormone on purpose. Who wants hot flashes, diarrhea, anxiety, heart palpitations, and insomnia? Right. Like I would EVER do that to myself on purpose. (I do realize some people ARE crazy enough to do that, but they are in the minority. Hyperthyroidism is one of the WORST feelings in the world.)

Ugh. So anyway, this was not a happy, fluffy post, but I'm a little frustrated because I'm getting more and more distrustful of my health care providers. Sure, it's great fun to learn about diseases and treatments and stuff, but it sure makes seeing doctors less fun.

So for happy, fluffy things? I lurve my husband very much so. He is wonderful. :) See? Isn't he good looking? ;)

I Like Dancing

On Friday night we went dancing for the first time since May or so. It was glorious! I could definitely tell that physical therapy helped strengthen my core muscles. Finally, I understand what they were talking about when they said that would help. Woohoo! On the other hand, I'm now supposed to put a lift in my left shoe so that I'm not off balance.

Before when I'd go dancing, one side of my body started to hurt. The lift stopped that. On the other hand, you have to remember that I learned all these moves while completely unbalanced. So this new balance thing? Whoa. I kept falling out of my spins. Lol.

I finished Anna Karenina the other day. At the end of it, Anna was definitely paranoid schizophrenia. Anyway, it was great! It included: marriage, love affair, birth, death of old age, attempted suicide, successful suicide, the ranting of a schizophrenic, and more! Gotta love Russian novels. I recommend it if you don't mind taking a month to read an 800 page book.

I also read Animal Farm in its entirety yesterday. So sad! I definitely didn't like that Boxer, Napoleon's biggest fan and hardest worker, got sent away to be turned into glue. It makes me wonder if seemingly admirable maxims like "I must work harder" are all that great. Working hard is fine and dandy, I suppose... but be careful in taking anything to extremes!


James is begging for the computer right now, because he wants to do a math problem for fun. Sheesh!

I Like Beautiful Biceps

In particular, I like James' beautiful biceps. Now that the semester has started up again, he gets to start rock climbing again, and he will get fantabulously muscley. :) I'm excited.

I am also excited to start dancing on Fridays again. Unfortunately, for the two of us to attend the ballroom dance club at UO, it will cost $10. Ugh. We would probably go more often if it was free, but alas, it is not. I am kind of sad that ballroom isn't as popular here as it is in Utah. Drat. It seems we'll never get enough practice to get as talented as these two:



On an unrelated note, I was super excited for a while last night because I thought I had finally come up with something to help my chronic fatigue. I realized that if I have a caffeinated soda in the mornings I actually perk up... and by perk up, I mean I feel normal rather than hyper. And I work better and faster when I do that. So I started fantasizing about taking a caffeine pill every morning with my thyroid medication and suddenly being cured. It was a glorious fantasy... I only slept eight hours each night, and that was enough. I didn't run out to my car during my lunch break for a nap. And when I was a awake, I was alert and able to concentrate. Oh, how glorious were these fantasies!

Unfortunately, James pointed out to me that if I took a caffeine pill every day, the effects would eventually wear off and I would actually be more fatigued than when I started. And then I was sad. Fantasies of normalcy wasted away. Oh well.



On the plus side, I have a doctor's appointment next Monday and I'm excited to discuss other options for not being so tired. I feel like I've ruled out a lot of things... I'm not vitamin D deficient or anemic. And even when I'm getting enough thyroid hormone, I'm still tired. And the list goes on! I am hopeful that there is something that will help me get energized... somehow.

I Like "I Love You"

I've been writing my blog posts late at night, and thus the quality has gone down. It's been harder to think of things to say besides "Today was good. Today was bad. Today was boring. Today was long. Today was short. Etc." So maybe I should try to write more of these during the day when I'm actually awake.

Last night we had FHE based on President Uchtdorf's talk from the RS broadcast which I mentioned a little over a week ago based on forget-me-not flowers. I've been thinking a lot about this talk and I decided to share it with James... because, like most of our husbands, he was not present of the RS broadcast.

I've been wondering--do I REALLY know that God loves me. I think I've got a pretty solid testimony, but I keep getting reminders. Every time I get a priesthood blessing, the open lines say something along the lines of, "God loves you and is aware of you." And I think, heck, I know that. Why does God keep telling me this?

I can think of two reasons--the first is for the same reason I tell James fifty times a day that I love him. Of course James knows this, but I tell him anyway, just to make sure he doesn't forget. The second reason that I can think of is that I don't actually know this (even though I think I do) and He keeps telling me because He's trying to make me "get it".

For now, my conclusion is both. At some level, I do know He loves me, but I think I don't quite understand to the full extent. I think President Uchtdorf is trying super hard to explain it here:

"Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!

He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom. The Psalmist wrote:

'When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;

'What is man, that thou art mindful of him? …

'For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.'

God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.

The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow."

--President Uchtdorf, 9/24/2011

I know all these things intellectually, but REALLY? No. I don't know if I do. Sometimes when I ask for help, I get the response, "Jenna, I love you," as if this is the answer to all my problems. I'm beginning to wonder if it is.

I Like Sleeping

I went to bed last night around 5pm and then I woke up this morning around 11am. Hence no blog post last night. I like being asleep. I don't like waking up and realizing how much time has passed. Gugh.

Anyway, conference was great! I really liked Elder Scott's talk. And pretty much all of President Monson's jokes.

James is incredibly hotttt. And yes, every single t in that hotttt was necessary.

This morning when I took my shower I was quite pleased to notice that my asymmetric qualities are evening out! Woo! In other words, my shoulders and hips aren't uneven due to scoliosis. See pic below and notice how one shoulder is higher than the other. Also notice how one hip is higher than the other. Today I noticed that I am getting more symmetric. I attribute this to physical therapy. Ee yay!

I Like General Conference

I like "going to church" in pajamas. I like cuddling on the couch with my super hot husband while listening to prophets and apostles. Wooee! :)

It was super exciting when President Monson announced that they're converting the Provo tabernacle into a temple. I cried when it was almost completely destroyed in a fire last year, so it's nice to know it will be reborn. I imagine we'll all be like that. Living long terrestrial lives, dying (perhaps not as dramatically), and being reborn with new, improved celestial bodies.



Many of you have heard this story, and I think it's a neat coincidence. Jesus is unharmed! Heehee!



Anyway, that was super exciting for me. I am even a little glad that the Provo tabernacle burned down!

I made a wreath today out of things I bought at the dollar store, and it is very pretty. I am super proud of myself. Unfortunately, I was a little distracted because (ALERT: TMI AHEAD) my period gives me gastrointestinal discomfort. And it's been bad today. Sigh.

In other news, we got some protein powder today. I've been hypoglycemic lately because I haven't been eating much protein. In fact, I don't like most sources of protein. Peanut butter is one the nastiest things on the planet. Nuts are okay, but I can only eat a few before I don't want any more. Eggs and I could be better friends; we don't get along too well. And although meat is tasty, I really don't want to eat more than I do. I could go on.

Anyway, I could get more protein in my diet if I cooked more, but I'm not cooking much while I'm working 10 hour days. Heh. So, James and I discussed it and decided that since we're so busy and because I'm so severely hypoglycemic (shaky and fainty and craving sugary things all the time...), it's worth it to try an experiment. And the most convenient way will be to just add some protein powder to my oatmeal in the morning. (Or eat protein bars, but those are more expensive...)

Anyway, TTFN :)

I Like Feeling Good

Today was the first time in ages that I woke up without lower back pain. I usually have a baseline pain level around 2/10, but to my shock, I was a cozy 0/10. Woohoo! My physical therapist said it would take about four weeks for consistent strength exercises to help, and I'm definitely starting to feel it. Now to work on my upper back, eh?

I also did a lot of reminiscing today about third, fourth, and fifth grade. I had a wonderful teacher and I've decided to write her a letter. The problem will be getting it to her. I have an address which I suspect is correct, but may not be. She stopped teaching recently, so it's even harder to find contact info online now. Oh well.

Happy general conference weekend!

I Like Sexy Bass Voices

And James has one. The only problem is, about a month or so ago he damaged his voice by breathing too much smoke and er... being too LOUD. As per Rosalind Hall's recommendation, he is not supposed to sing at all for THREE WHOLE TORTUROUS MONTHS. Sigh. Thankfully, he's already about a month into this, so it's already partly over... but still. Now he whistles in sacrament meeting to the hymns.

Anyway, on a slightly related note, James has some archival BYU Men's Chorus CDs. One of the songs is awesome: The Impossible Dream.

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

In still other news, I finally grew a melon in MineCraft!

I Like Couches

I like couches because they are places to sit and because they make my apartment more homey. For reals. We actually came into possession of two couches today (although a third one was available). One is a hide-a-bed couch which is blue. The other is black leather and a little bit beat up, but still comfy. So NOW when someone visits they can sit on ze couch. And/or sleep over on a bed. :)

James passed quals officially! Which means he is a legit PhD student. :)

I worked for four hours today in the Women's Care warehouse filing old paper charts. It's enough to make one grateful for computers. Yikes, man. SO MUCH STUFF. And computers don't give you paper cuts either. But I've worked for 10 hours for two days in a row, so I'm happy. And so is my bank account. :)

I Like Ice Cream

I like having a job... more like having an income. Today I got up at 5:30am (ew) and got to work at 6:30. Sigh. Well, I worked for 10.5 hours... Woo. A little tired, I is.

This evening James taught family night. Our ward has an FHE night for the neighborhood kids. Today James taught about the Book of Mormon. It went well. It went a little too long for the younger kids, so I took a few into the next room to color. I drew a giraffe! Our treat was Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Om nom nom.

Maybe tomorrow I will be more energetic?

I Like Free Furniture

I like getting free stuff, particularly when buying this stuff would have cost us lots of moneys. I plucked up the courage to ask the Relief Society president if she knew of anyone in the ward who had any furniture they didn't want. And guess what? Success! Sister Barnhurst is getting a new loveseat and is letting us have her old one. And Sister Mitchell's neighbor is giving us a couch with the hidden bed inside. I'm going to put the loveseat in our living room downstairs and the sleeper couch in the other bedroom upstairs. Which means we'll actually have a place for someone to sleep if they came over. And a place to sit. w00t!

I officially have Mondays off and will be working from 6:30am to 5:30pm Tuesdays through Fridays. Three-day weekend every week! Yay! Today I stayed home and read my book and learned physics and slept. :)

I now have pictures of that cat as some of you were requesting. It was super hard to get any good pictures of him though, because HE WOULD NOT SIT STILL. Yup... he's a Turkish Angora through and through.

Tonight I got really sad about not having the money to go out to eat very often. I really, really like all kinds of food. I keep imagining a ginormous juicy burger with sautéed onions and mushrooms and with tomatoes and my favorite kind of cheese. I also keep imagining a white sauce pizza with garlic, tomatoes, and spinach. Chewy, scrumptious, white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies. Honey walnut shrimp. Cinnabon. REAL Mexican food. And sometimes soft-serve. Cherry lime cream slush.

I do know that we can make many of these things, but let's be honest... it would cost just as much, if not more, simply because they usually don't sell small servings of many ingredients. And James doesn't particularly like some of these things, so he would rather not buy things like shrimp or mushrooms. Ga'augh.

Anyway, we ARE currently baking some tasty battered fries which are comparable to (but quite as good as) Popeye's fries. I feel though, that these are kind of like nicotine patches for a smoking addict.

Burek Recipe!

Here we go. I'll be essentially following this blog. Problem is, it's in Serbian. So...

I'll explain the dough first, and talk about the insides later.

Ingredients for dough:

4 cups of white flour

1 teaspoon salt

1 and 1/4 cups of water

7 tablespoons of butter

7 tablespoons oil (just under a half cup)

1. Mix flour, salt and water (NOT the oil or butter) together. It should make a smooth dough, and shouldn't be a gooey mess. It should look something like this:

2. Split into five equally sized pieces.

3. Roll each piece to about the size of a CD, as below.

4. In a flat dish (a pie pan works great), mix the oil and melted butter.

5. Submerse the pieces of dough into the oil mixture one at a time. Make sure all sides are covered. Use a spoon to pour more stuff on top if you have to. It'll look kind of like a tower of pancakes, with oil instead of syrup. Make sure the top one is covered as well.

6. Wait for 30 minutes. You may have to spoon a bit more oil on the top one. Also, this is a good time to prepare the filling.

7. On a well oiled, fairly big table, put the first piece of dough. Spread it out a bit at first by smooshing it down.

8. Pull on the sides around and around the edge till it is as big as you can make it without it tearing. You should be able to see through it.

9. Put about a fourth of the fillings (more on what these are in a bit) in the middle of the spread out dough, spread out. We put them too close together and so our burek was too thick to cook through. It won't ruin it though. Maybe the size of the top of a pie pan? Perhaps a rectangular shape for them would be best since we're going to have to cook it in a 9x13 pan.

10. Fold the dough over the fillings till it is covered.

11. Put that one aside, and spread out another piece of dough.

12. Put the last piece we made in the middle, put a fourth of the toppings on top of THAT, then fold it together again. You are making layers of dough and filling this way.

13. Repeat for the rest of the dough and filling. For the fifth piece of dough, you don't add any filling.

14. Put the burek into an ungreased 9x13 pan. Cook at 400 degrees (Fahrenheit) for 35-40 minutes. It should be a delicious golden brown.

Notice how thin theirs is compared to ours. This is what I meant by spreading it out. If it's thick, don't worry, it'll still taste pretty good!

Traditionally you cut it into slices like pizza and just pick it up and eat it. No utensils required! You're also supposed to wash it down with a nice lukewarm glass of thin plain yogurt, but... that's a bit of an acquired taste. Milk will do just fine.

Now, for the fillings. Pretty much you can use anything. The two most traditional is either "young" cheese, like Feta, or a pork filling. For Feta, just use about 400-500 grams (about a pound) of it. For pork, we cooked 400 grams of ground pork, broke into small pieces, added half a medium onion, 2 cloves of garlic and some salt and pepper. You could do it with hamburger too. Or pretty much anything you can put into a pie. Sour cherry and apple are pretty good.

And that, my friends, is burek! Prijatno!

I Like Burek

I like my husband. He made burek today with his own homemade phyllo dough. It seems to me that making phyllo is actually much easier than many would have you believe. Plus, as James pointed out, we think kids would have lots of fun doing it. :) It wasn't perfect yet, but it is still definitely worth making again, but with a few tweaks. :) (Pictures are a little blurry, but you get the idea.)

Today when I showed up at church the bishop whisked me away to ask if I would accept another calling. I did... and then I was sustained, and then I was set apart. I am now officially the Relief Society chorister! w00t! ... Seriously, does something about me SCREAM chorister? I've been a chorister in almost every ward I've been in. Eh?

My lesson on prophets went fantastic. The former bishop complimented me and an investigator wanted a copy of one of the talks I quoted from. Success! Someone in the ward has also offered us a black leather loveseat... more success!

Good day. :)

I Like President Uchtdorf

I like Relief Society. I don't like sleeping through most of the RS broadcast though... and I did that anyway. :/ On the plus side, I was conscious and alert for President Uchtdorf's talk based on the five-petaled flower forget-me-not... He listed five things to forget not:

So yeah. Powerful talk, as can be expected from Sir Dieter. Sister Julie B. Beck's talk also seemed to be pretty good... before I feel asleep anyway. It was about the things she would like her granddaughters to know about Relief Society... And to be honest, I think I slept through the sisters' talks because they were based on the new RS manual "Daughters in My Kingdom"... which I have already read in entirety. Heh.

Tomorrow we've decided to try and make burek, a common food in Serbia. James has often related to me the tastiness which is burek: ground pork (probably with some onions and garlic) in a phyllo dough pastry. What could possibly go wrong? We'll let you know how it turns out. If it's good I might be able to get James to translate the recipe he found into English.

Tomorrow I am also in charge of the gospel principles class for investigators and new members. I've decided to teach about prophets in preparation for general conference. If you'd like to read up on such things, I really like the following: Ezra Taft Benson's 1980 speech "Fourteen Fundamentals in Following the Prophet", President Hugh B. Brown's 1955 speech "The Profile of a Prophet", and the 2009 Mormon Message video "God's Words Never Cease" by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. Most of my lesson will of course be from Chapter 9 on the Gospel Principles manual.

As far as an update on the cat goes... we've been trying to come up with a name. I called him Measles at first because he looked rather diseased... But after today's Doctor Who episode, Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All seems to fit the best. That, or Alfie. James was formally introduced to Stormy (we will call him this until further notice). That cat is SUPER affectionate. In fact, it's kind of ridiculous. He wanted inside... but we can't have cats in our apartments, and also, we're pretty sure he would sleep in our bed with us. (Good? Bad?)

James and I are beginning to dream in ponies. Last night I dreamed that Allison Ridley was a unicorn pony and was making a musical gingerbread house for Christmas. The music? "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan. There was also an associated light show. ... James is picturing Book of Mormon characters as ponies when he reads.

Today I started out my day by doing problems out of a physics textbook. And then I read more in Anna Karenina... I'm halfway through! Only 400 pages left!

We decided to have garlic bread for dinner tonight. Here's why:

1. Garlic bread is tastier than alfredo pasta.

2. Garlic bread is faster to make than alfredo pasta.

3. Garlic bread is nutritionally about the same as alfredo pasta.

4. James doesn't like alfredo pasta.

5. James lurves garlic bread.

6. I lurf garlic bread.

As you can see, this was an easy choice.

I Like Breezes

Today I like good weather. Today it was about 70° with a slight breeze... I laid down a blanket on the grass during my lunch break and had a glorious nap. Although... my coworkers are starting to make fun of me, because I'm either working, eating, or sleeping whenever they see me.

I also think my husband is very nice to me. He is being very patient with me and my pain disorder. Sometimes when he touches me (even lightly on my shoulder or somewhere) I interpret it as pain, when it doesn't really hurt. What I think is happening is that I've gotten so used to everything being painful that when I encounter a new stimulus, my brain automatically says, "Ouch! This hurts!" ... when really, it was just my husband lightly putting his hand on my shoulder.

...I promise that actually makes sense. So we've decided to try something new. Here's the thing: when I actually take the time to think about it, I realize, "Oh. That didn't actually hurt." But by the time I actually think this, I've already exclaimed in pain and recoiled away. So, James and I are going to try to reprogram my brain. Dangerous, I know.

It'll go something like this:

James: Touch touch! Hee hee!

My brain: Gasp! Ouch!

James: Your husband is touching you! This feels good!

My brain: ...Eh?

James: Feels goooood...

My brain: ... Oh. ... Really? ... Wat.

James: Yes. Feels goooooood...

My brain: Oh. Huh. This does kind of feel good, doesn't it?

James: Touch touch! Hee hee!

In other news, the white cat with one blue and one green eye turned out to be a man cat--and he had already been neutered. Which, I suppose this is why we didn't know he was a he... you know, what with all his man cat organs removed and such. Anyway, he also had a chip! And it turns out he is a rare and expensive breed... a Turkish Angora, which is the most active breed of cat EVER. They are so active that they are sometimes called the "dog cat". This guy is definitely NOT sedimentary, and lurves hanging out with peeps.

So. Once upon a time, he was a kitten and lived in a happy family. This happy family bought him for bucketloads of money and handfed him with a bottle. Then that happy family had a baby. Then they gave him to a man with Parkinson's disease as a treatment cat. Then that guy died. Then that guy's family dumped him onto the street. Lame. Then my neighbor and I found him! Turns out his original-original family still can't take him home... and we can't keep him because we're not allowed to have cats. Ugh. Dilemma! In better news, he is currently on medicines for mange and ear mites and lots of other bad things. We also got him lots of vaccines. And we tested him for leukemia (there is apparently a berjillion kitties getting leukemia around here... who knew?). He is becoming a happier cat as we speak.

I Like Massages

Today I like physical therapy. (I also like having health insurance.) I've been in a lot of pain since

Sunday or so, and I just got a happy back massage... so of course, I am more comfortable. Brilliant!

I am also glad that James recognizes my "medical" need for occasional sherbet. I currently have a 1.5 gallon bucket of rainbow sherbet in the freezer, and I am definitely liking that he's going to slate that into our medical budget instead of our grocery budget.

There is a cute stray cat that has been hanging out near our apartment. She is white and has one green eye and one blue eye. She does, however, seem a little diseased. Our neighbor is taking her to the vet today to get spayed and er... cleaned up a bit. I gave the neighbor $20 to go towards kitty's hysterectomy.

My excellent friend Allison introduced us to a wonderful show--My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Oh my heck, this show is a masterpiece. If you're afraid to watch it because you're too "grown up", be comforted in the fact that this show does, indeed, have a huge Internet following. And it is SO worth it. If this show isn't a cure for a bad day, I don't know what is. Wheee!